Apr. 11th, 2011

phantym_56: (ed - red)
Eeesh, missing an entire night's sleep really takes it out of you! I deliberately (and stupidly) didn't bother even trying to sleep Friday night and it's now Monday and I could still curl up and go to sleep right now.

My immune system is still playing am-I-amn't-I with me. I've been fine for several days now but it had me all full of cough this morning and feeling really unnaturally hot for a bit. That's gone again now. It teases me.

I bought some new glasses when I was going through a phase back in the autumn. That was when I discovered the concept of coloured overlays and lenses. I used the overlays for a while but I've stopped now and I don't think I'm any worse without them. But I had vague intentions of getting coloured lenses, so I bought some cheap glasses from the internet. And it would be foolish to spend that amount of money on getting them coloured, especially when I don't think I need them now, so they've gone into circulation as normal glasses. I didn't bother with the anti-reflection coating, all it seems to do is attract fingerprints but... actually, I've had it for so long that I'm struggling with these ones because they do reflect things. And they're not fitted to my face. I have quite a small head and glasses tend to be too big. That's why black-framed ones, even relatively delicate ones, always look ludicrous on me. And it's why they all have to have their arms bent in peculiar ways, to try and keep them on my ears. They've been slipping off all weekend and it's driving me crazy.

I have taken advice and am watching Boardwalk Empire. Can't put my finger on why but I'm quite enjoying it. Only two episodes in but I've got four sitting waiting to be watched later. Generally, if I'm not in a series at the beginning I don't bother, it's too much effort and commitment and just takes too much time to catch up (see my unwatched Battlestar Galactica boxset) but this is only twelve episodes. I'm still very much having trouble keeping who's who straight - I mix up Nucky and Jimmy occasionally at the moment and there's still a lot of people I haven't learnt to recognise yet. Hopefully I'll get there.

As well as that, I've finally picked up a book that I'm really enjoying - oh, I can see its faults, both in story and in style, but it's fun and that's all that's important, frankly. Black Lung Captain by Chris Wooding. I'm not going to pretend that it's fine literature. But stories are stories.

Speaking of which, I've spent the last ten days feeling vaguely that April would be a great time to knuckle down on the books I'm trying to write. The Sequel just isn't as much fun as the original Big Book Project. I don't know if that's because I've got something of a plot laid out, whereas the original was total "throw everything I can dream of in there and we'll sort it out later!". I don't know if it's because I'm trying to shoehorn in a couple of new characters who just aren't gelling or if it's suffering from lack of Nat but it's a pig to write. I love Alex and Joey. I love this brotherly/motherly relationship they seem to have slipped into. They're poppets. I guess the real problem is that Joey is coming across as a nerd who'd rather be on his computer and neither of them seems particularly good at the secret agent bit. Arrggh. Boys!
This entry was originally posted at http://phantym.dreamwidth.org/910.html. There are comment count unavailable comments there. I prefer Livejournal but feel free to comment at Dreamwidth if you like.
phantym_56: (russ/charley)
I don't even know. I had some hideous recurring bouts of misery last year but they've been pretty quiet this year - maybe two or three bad days each in January and February and none at all in March or April. I think it's over. I think I'm safely out the other side of it and it feels good.

But... that doesn't mean I can't occasionally feel like I'd really like to throw my arms around someone and bury my face in their neck and let them pat my back and murmur soothing things in my ear. Doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel lonely. Yeah, I know. I spent all of Friday night with a very good friend and I'm still recovering from it. It's far too soon to start complaining. But I'm non-demonstrative, I don't have that easy way of casually touching someone's arm while we're talking, I don't have the instinct to hug people in greeting, I struggle with small talk. Here I can and do whine a fair bit. I don't in real life. I can't stress that enough. In real life, you'd often not even notice I'm there. I'm invisible. I'm shy. I'm silent. I am not very good at articulating whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I keep real people at a bit of a distance. I don't make friends easily or lightly

And so I tend to get overlooked. Entirely my own fault, I know. I have developed a strong independent streak to compensate. And being overlooked can be handy, to be fair. But occasionally I feel a little bit sad that people overlook me. Not looking for *hugs* or sympathy, by the way. That would be an abuse of my whining space. I am saying this merely to whine. What I really want is for Jess and Annie to occasionally remember that even now they're married, they still have a quiet lonely friend who'd like to stay in contact and doesn't want to always have to be the one to initiate it because when she does, she tends to get brushed aside because friends apparently aren't as important as husbands. You see your husbands all day every day. Can't you spare me a couple of hours once in a blue moon? And also, don't try to find me a convenient boyfriend just because single people don't fit into your lifestyle anymore. "You mess up the numbers a bit" is a nice way to make me feel welcome. And who cares whether there's an odd or even number of people anyway? Being single is the part of my life that I genuinely have no problem with. I am not emotionally capable of coping with a boyfriend. And even if I was, I'm not exactly girlfriend material. Asexuals generally do not pair up brilliantly with boyfriends/girlfriends.

Didn't mean to go down that road. My zen side accepts that my path in life is heading in a different direction from their paths, that we're in our mid-twenties now and we're growing apart and that is heartbreaking in itself but... I accept it. On those rare occasions when we do get together we revert to giggly thirteen-year-olds but they're pretty rare now. What I actually meant to say is simply that I wish there was someone in my life who wouldn't mind, occasionally, maybe when I'm feeling lonely, just cuddling me. Other people are good at having friends. I'm not.

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June 2012

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