phantym_56: (ed - reunited - win)
It has been a pretty good-ok-ish sort of day. I have slept ok for the last two nights so that helps a lot, catching up on the sleep I missed Sunday night. Unfortunately, I did eat last night before bed, a couple of slices of toast and a handful of cheesy biscuits, I think, so not much and quite early on too, but not being very good at the whole food thing, I woke up at god-knows-what-time feeling very very sick. This generally happens if I've eaten cheese after about 9pm but I had no cheese yesterday. I haven't had cheese since Sunday. Anyway, after lying very still for a while and trying to sit up a bit, I must have fallen asleep again fairly quickly.

It got to about 10am before I remembered I didn't have breakfast. This isn't unusual, I generally don't bother having breakfast if I've got to go to work and it's a really bad habit and I really should force myself out of bed ten or twenty minutes earlier to make time for it. But at 10, I suddenly realised I was really really hungry. For some reason, if I don't eat before bed, I'm not hungry the next day. If I do eat before bed, I'm invariably starving in the morning. And I was starving! And then Mandy came over at lunchtime to do some Brownie planning so I didn't get any lunch either *cries*

It's odd how lack of food affects your mood. Despite the fact that I come to LJ to whine and cry and be sad and angry and unleash a gamut of negative emotions I don't get to display in real life, the flesh-and-blood me is generally sunny-tempered, or at the very least placid and even-tempered. But this afternoon... I could feel this hunger-induced despair. Things that shouldn't have been upsetting me were - I won't even start on the saga of the chocolate biscuits. I was resentful of everyone else in the room who had eaten in the last twelve hours, I was starting to have trouble getting a thought together (although this may be the stress of covering the work of two people who are away - I'm half trained in their work, but I'm office admin and crap jobs, not order processing and I suspect it would be just as quick for the order people to do the orders themselves than to have to keep answering my questions)

Anyway. Then I went snowboarding. I had to buy a new pass because I finished my one last time. Accidentally bought ten hours instead of five but never mind. I've got through four passes in the last two years so I will be using those five hours eventually but that's twenty half-hour sessions. If I go twice a month, that's ten months it'll last! There were some Explorers coming to play on the ringos, using half the slope and possibly straying onto the other half. They apologised that I probably wouldn't get much snowboarding done. "Obviously, we won't take any time off your pass for tonight...." Sweet. I like the snowboarding lot. They do give me a free night from time to time. When it's half term and there are ten thousand kids learning to ski so the queue for the lift is eight miles long and you only manage three descents in the half hour - I got that night for free as well.

The "Explorers" looked familiar, or their t-shirts did. After I'd finished and put my normal shoes back on, I approached their leader and asked if they were Rangers. They were indeed and we spent half an hour chatting about Senior Section. She's given me some interesting ideas to discuss with my own girls and also given me a flyer about an activity challenge camp for the entire county that has somehow not made it to my neck of the woods. It looks great. I really hope my girls would like to go. All sorts of activities for £20, finishing up the night with a barbecue. And then I got home at 7.30pm and finally got to have some food. Been awake eleven and a half hours, done a day's work and been snowboarding and only just getting the first morsels of food in me. Well done there. I would make a good anorexic because I can go quite a long time without food. I would make a bad anorexic because I hate it and it would make me cry all the time.

And finally, I've decided to go ahead and have a go at the Walking Qualification. I picked up the book last time I was at CHQ, flicked through, shuddered and put it down. But I'll be brave. I'm a qualified leader, now I will do an activity qualification. I will get in touch with the County Outdoors Advisor to see how I go about doing the qualification - will it at any point involve a weekend at one of the training centres? I will order the book tonight, it'll arrive next week and I can have a look through and see how plausible it really looks.
phantym_56: (ed - hatshaped)

It has been A Day. Didn't sleep brilliantly last night, although I suspect I did better than I realised at the time. So hard to judge time at night because it genuinely is difficult sometimes to tell whether I'm awake or asleep. I must have fallen asleep pretty soon after I put the laptop down and surprisingly, I've not been too tired today.

Didn't have time for breakfast and spent most of the morning feeling a bit icky because I needed food - until I got home at lunchtime and discovered that I felt a little sick and didn't at all feel capable of putting food in me. That lasted most of the afternoon.

On my way to Rangers, something went click. Suddenly the sick feeling just vanished and there I was, fifteen miles to drive, starving hungry and desperate for some bread and cheese. So I'm feeling much better now.

I think the problem was getting home quite late last night after Brownies and discovering the bread was mouldy (this is a common occurrence. I religiously check the bread for mould every single time I eat). Dad fetched more bread and I sat and ate six to eight slices in one go. Mistake! Far too late at night to gorge myself on toast. That's probably why I had odd dreams and couldn't sleep and it's almost certainly why I felt sick today. Lesson learnt; don't stuff yourself just before bed or it'll make you feel poorly for the best part of the next twenty-four hours.

And also, I'm finally in a better mood! I knew it'd happen sooner or later, it's just taken its time. I have regained my chirpiness.

And now I'm going to bed. I have quite a bit of sleep to catch up on.

phantym_56: (bryan - bob)

It's immensely frustrating, after four hours of feeling hungry and vaguely off-colour from lack of food, to get home for lunch and realise you really don't feel like eating, despite knowing it'll make you feel better.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

phantym_56: (ed - sleeeepy)

Ohhh... how long does it take for a body to catch up on missed sleep?! Still tiiiiired!

Speaking of things that drag on, how long does it take to import LJ stuff onto Dreamwidth? It's been sitting in the queue since Sunday morning and it's now Wednesday evening! That's slow!

I think I have two things to talk about today. Let's start with food phobia.


Food, food phobia and then Silver pushes in a bit. )

But Silver wasn't my second subject. My second was this song:

Well... I was going to embed a video but it's not on YouTube. Have the lyrics instead. The song is bouncy London-accented boyband and it just radiates summer.


Dive In, by the Yeah You's. Who I like despite the inappropriate apostrophe )

It's not quite the end but there's nothing new. This is one of my favourite songs ever and yes, I'm aware that my inner music snob should be ashamed. Luckily, I don't have one.

So, the chorus. Honestly, their accent and pronunciation - I know what it says the words are inside the cover but they sing "don't go thinking you've gotta go under the waves". You don't have to do this. Every time I hear this, and I mean every time, I'm taken back to a cave called Swildon's Hole, in Somerset. It's a lovely cave, it goes on for hours, there's literally something for everyone there. It's a brilliant cave.
The classic trip is down to Sump 1, through and then back up, at least for beginners. The sump is a section of flooded passage. It's less than a metre long. You can put your foot through and it comes up into fresh air on the other side. Every fresher that ever went through my club lay in the water, took a deep breath and pulled themself through this thing. Except me. It petrifies me. It's icy cold, it's brown and murky and full of grit, it's flat on your back with your head turned to the side. I know the reality is that I'd be underwater for all of five seconds but I can't do it. Call it a phobia if you must.


Caves, caving and my bond with my mate Magpie who was such a guardian angel/hero to me )

The second thing that song makes me think of is the second verse:

One day, it barely took a second
You grew up, the big world beckoned and you dived right in

I graduated, I got a job and suddenly - there's a world out there. I've got money now, I've got access to it. I took up snowboarding, I wrote a book, I flew off to Finland, Romania, the French Alps, Lithuania, Norway etc. I dived right in. I have bad days from time to time - rarer than it used to be, but generally I love this world and this life of mine. It would be nice if my friends would play in it occasionally but I'd rather play on my own than sit with my nose against the window looking out at it passing me by. I don't think that's a bad attitude to have to a fairly lonely life.

So umm.... that's what that song means to me. As if anyone actually cared.

This entry was originally posted at There are comment count unavailable comments there. I prefer Livejournal but feel free to comment at Dreamwidth if you like.
phantym_56: (ed - sleeeepy)

Amazing how even a district meeting hasn't dampened my bright mood.

It went easier without Mandy, to be honest. She's one of my best friends but the new DC summed it up best when talking about how close she is to having last year's accounts finished: "I think she's going to have a nervous breakdown in the next few days." That's what Mandy sounds like. All the time. In a small room with several people who don't know her too well... it can sound pretty bad. And it's much easier and calmer when she's not there. On the other hand, I had our new leader with me. You know when you watch a film that you've already seen with someone who hasn't seen it and you spend the whole time worrying about what that person thinks of it, you're going "Oh God, she hates it, this is the worst thing ever!" etc? I felt very responsible for her, as if it was my fault if she was bored. Almost as if I had to find some way of making the meeting better. In reality, I sit there and keep my mouth shut, with or without Mandy because that's not the sort of situation where I really function best.

Anyway. I've got the rocky road ingredients. I've managed to break up the chocolate without opening the packet and I suddenly realise what a daunting job I've got in the morning, cutting up Maltesers and marshmallows and biscuits. I'm not hugely fond of my Dearly Beloved Boss (you may have gathered this) but his rocky road recipe is chocolate heaven. I shall hand it to you.

Mix of dark and mik chocolate

My sister has also added a sprinkling of popping candy. Her boyfriend likes to add excessive amounts of fudge. I don't like fudge; I also don't like glace cherries.

All of a sudden I'm very tired. It's nearly 11 at night. I didn't go to bed until nearly midnight last night and I was having a bit of trouble sleeping the night before. Got home tonight and was staggered by the number of stars visible from my front garden. Not sure I've ever seen stars from the house. Beautiful. And on that non-sequiteur, I bid you goodnight.

phantym_56: (bryan - jake snowboarding)

Snowboarding again tonight. I was delighted to be greeted by my favourite instructor, who I haven't seen in a while, with the words "Hello stranger! How are you?!" (This is partly because I didn't go for a few months and partly because he wasn't working on the days when I did go.) It went well. Really well. I had the slope to myself, the only two staff there not watching me - although my latest Snowboy was outside painting the woodwork with his back to me and I daresay did catch a glimpse of me from time to time (I get nervous if I think the pros are watching me too closely). Eighteen months ago I must have had my first turning lesson and it was only last week that it really clicked. Today I just enjoyed the fact that I could do the turn that's been my nemesis for so long. I won't say it was neatly done or even with a great deal of control but having the confidence there made a world of difference. I can tidy it up later. Happy happy happy.
However, within ten minutes, I suddenly felt a really strong dose of drowsiness. The mixture of adrenaline, exhileration and drowsiness is unnatural. It shouldn't be physically possible. I was giggly and excited and adrenalined-up and yet feeling drowsiness so acute it felt like it had to be chemically-induced. Made me wonder what was in my apple juice today. At one point I was standing at the bottom of the slope, staring at my feet and sort of hoping that if I stared long and hard enough, the bindings would come undone all by themselves because I couldn't muster the energy to bend down and unclip them myself. At another point, I got to the bottom, felt delight and tiredness and decided to crash forwards and just lie on the snowflex for a few moments. To be fair, I'd just walked up to the first exit twice, up quite a steep slope, before sliding back down on a plank. I was entitled, I think, to be a little out of breath and a little tired.
Despite the weird sleepiness and occasional concentration blackspot, I enjoyed myself immensely, I think I made some big steps forward, the iron is hot and I will be going back tomorrow. I suspect I'm still not entirely over the sports-and-camp-induced exhaustion I inflicted on myself last weekend and need to shut up and go to bed. (This last bit written quite a while after all the stuff below was actually written)

Regarding the banana bullshit - my mother told this story at work today and was told in reply, in utter seriousness "Well, it's true that eating soft foods uses up more calories than hard foods. That's why you should puree things into soups." I am glad to report that my mother's mind boggles every bit as much as mine does that anyone can believe that crap. And the woman responsible yesterday for the banana has today been telling us all about how her husband went to the doctor and how she disagrees with his prescription. She thinks the doctor's "lost it". I should also note that this woman is more inclined to believe the chiropractor who treated her stiff neck with herbal remedies than the doctor who treated the inflammation and pain with medicine. (I should also add that I stand very firmly on the side of science and drugs and not the side of homeopathy/nature/alternative therapies etc and may be more scathing than is polite.)

I realised, watching a repeat of Mock the Week, that I've never written up my trips to see Andy Parsons, Micky Flanagan and Mark Watson. That was a while back. I am disorganised.

Andy Parsons, Micky Flanagan and Mark Watson )

I think that's enough for now. Next week I am going to Lithuania. I am nervous. Right now I am tired and need to catch up on some sleep. Nighty night.
phantym_56: (bryan - pioneer)
I have taken the day off sick. Could have timed it better; Mum's home on half term and doing a cleaning frenzy and watching house/antiques programmes.

My question is this: I am still slightly suffering the after-effects of eating pasta and feeling ever-so-slightly delicate. But I'm craving food like crazy. I'm trying to be careful - I've had a few slices of toast and am now eating crackers but what I really crave is chocolate. Should I listen to my common sense (which says it would be a bad idea) or to my body (which says "please feed me chocolate, I neeeeed it!!!")?
phantym_56: (ed - doesn't matter)
Today, I have done a brilliant impression of a normal, chatty, sociable human being. I have had an in-depth discussion of teeth with two colleagues I don't generally chat to (is it unusual to bite polos? I thought that was the usual way to eat them) and with the accountant about pre-decimal coins and eccentric great-uncles (I have one. Not at the moment, he died long before I was born, but I claim ownership of him) and smiled and enjoyed it. I don't generally (at least I hope I don't) appear moody and grumpy and all that at work but I'm quiet and I keep to myself and I don't usually chat outside of my particular friends. So that was nice.

I have got a drawing pin stuck in my hand (not "I have got" as in "right now there is a-" but in the sense of the past tense of got). It hurt. I now remember that injections hurt. I'd convinced myself that they don't really hurt and my phobia of them is simply of the phobic of them itself, that if I look at it or talk about it or think about it I will faint/throw up but actually, something sharp being poked into you does hurt and it's not so unreasonable to be petrified of that.

I had a giggle at myself today as well. Parked next to another Panda at Tesco, giggled for being so childish as to do that and then promptly had hysterics because that Panda was parked behind another. We looked like a little Panda convention out there.

In a bit I shall go and see my mentor, who came to observe Rangers last week and who this week shall go through my qualification and sign everything off.

I have cut my nails. I bit them until I was fourteen or so, then stopped literally overnight.  A few of them had got ludicrously long and full of what I call faultlines and my thumbnails were so long I could hardly do anything - earrings are impossible and I started having trouble doing up my necklace, so they're all cut back a bit and filed and I'm going to keep filing them regularly so they don't get weak and break and actually make some kind of vague effort to look after them.

So the only problem with my day is being shattered. I wish I could get used to going to bed before midnight and staying asleep all night but it's not working at the moment. I can't seem to make myself go to bed early enough and if I do, I can't get to sleep. The heating isn't working properly, so I have to sleep with the duvet over the blankets and it feels like... well, to say it feels like it's crushing me would be melodramatic but I'm definitely more comfortable with only the blankets. However, just blankets is too cold. So I never feel good in the morning and by the end of the day I'm ready to come home and crash. But my moods are ok which is a good thing.

In the meantime I am rewatching All the Small Things. I love Olive. (And Jake, obviously).

And finally, the pasta I've just eaten is expressing its displeasure at me having eaten it. Some of us never learn.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - squash)

Oww...poor little lactose-intolerant tummy has sent me home for lunch half an hour early, not that I'm going to be eating much. From what very little reading I've done on the subject, humans are born with an enzyme to digest milk and as they grow up and cease to live on milk, their production of this enzyme slows down, so a degree of lactose-intolerance is the default for most people, even if they don't realise it.

For someone who lives on bread and cheese, this can be inconvenient. No, day to day I'm fine. It's only if I overload my system with, say, a colossal mound of cheese beside a bowl of pasta or some ice cream (particularly sensitive to ice cream, fairly small amounts set it off) or some milk. I like chocolate milk. Generally, if I keep it to a reasonably small amount, no more than half a cup at a time, I'm ok. However, if I were to eat a bowl of ice cream, a cheese panini and half a cup of milk all within twenty-four hours... well, today's evidence suggests I can't cope with that.

I'm eating a couple of slices of fairly plain toast and when my lunch hour is over, I'll go back to work and by hometime, I'll have forgotten it ever happened. It's generally over pretty quickly. Half an hour ago I was sitting at my desk trying not to whimper out loud with stomach cramps and now I'm fine. I had a comedy last night and two more next week and I shall tell you about those three all together when I've seen the last one.

Book 3 of the Looking Glass Wars arrived yesterday. I'll have to reread the first two before I touch it. And also finish Best Served Cold. And I'm still holding out hope that Republic of Thieves is published next Thursday. Waterstones says it is and I've preordered it but I'm so used to being let down by this book that I won't be surprised if it isn't.

My reading list looks something like this at the moment:
Finish Best Served Cold
Finish Sleepyhead
The Heroes
Republic of Thieves
The Looking Glass Wars
Seeing Redd
Arch Enemy

The toaster still smells suspiciously like burnt toast. Must just go and check it's ok.

I am using my bored-time at work to do some writing on The Sequel. I told myself 100,00 words by end of March. That is looming horrifyingly close considering I only have about 35,000 words.

4.22pm - Still feeling a bit icky. Don't know why, over-drinking of milk doesn't usually hang around this long. It's probably a combination of too much milk and not enough sleep. Hot and headachey and could just curl up and go to sleep.

phantym_56: (bryan - kursk)
I am back on an even keel. I have not been prone to bouts of misery recently. But that doesn't mean I can't have ordinary miserable days. A bit like today. Admittedly, everything is influenced by the fact that 26 days have cycled round exactly as quickly as I expected them to and I don't function hugely brilliantly with stomach ache and shivers. Today I am liable to be upset by things that wouldn't have bothered me yesterday or next week or any other time except today and maybe the next two days.

Today I am hormonal and therefore not functioning quite correctly. )
phantym_56: (russ - eyes)
The heating was not on downstairs and therefore it hasn't been agonisingly cold upstairs

My Dearly Beloved Boss decided out of the blue that he'd like to celebrate last year's record sales today. Started with "Where shall we go?", then decided to have a look at our local airport to see if we could fly somewhere for the day. That's celebrating. But unfortunately, he could sidetracked by the local pictures on the website. "You know... [airport town] is very pretty. Why don't we just go there?" So instead of flying to Pisa for the day, we're going to go and eat some fish beside the bit of sea where I grew up. Do we want to go 2pm or 6pm? The day he's chosen happens to be the day I'm going to see Mark Watson. The theatre is about 50 yards from the restaurant but he starts at 7.30 and if we go at 6, I'll only be there for an hour. I don't entirely object. Fish is my least favourite of all the foods I don't eat - I really don't like the smell of fish - but you have to at least pretend to be enthusiastic about these things. Luckily, the 2pm late lunch is the favourite in general so far. I actually quite like this plan.

Leave work 1pm - the entire office closes.
2pm - everyone eats fish. I drink something
5/6pm - everyone leaves. It's not worth me driving 50 mins each direction to be right back where I started only two hours later, so maybe I go to the Wetherspoons just up the road and have a cheese panini (God bless Wetherspoons - a rare place where I can get food I like)
7.30 - Mark Watson appears on stage.

Sounds like an excellent day.

My favourite bit - Dearly Beloved Boss's Feisty Mother emailed him back and said "... so are you going to tell your daughter you're missing her first birthday?"
phantym_56: (ed - faded)

I went to bed fairly early last night, slept really well and really late. Well, I sort of woke up about 8.25ish, which is the time I drag myself out of bed during the week but stayed in bed dozing for another hour, picked up my laptop, played on that for a bit and then put it down and curled up again. I didn't get up until Mum came in at just after 11 which I know isn't late for some people, especially on a Saturday but it is for me. Or it used to be. Pre-laptop, I would get up about 6.30/7am every day without fail. Now I'm catching up on years of lost sleep. But I've felt so much more lively today for the extra sleep.

Sister's Useless Boyfriend (hereafter UB) arrived thirty seconds after I dragged myself out of bed. I like him. You wouldn't tell from listening to the two of us - it's a two-way stream of constant insults and rudeness. Mum says I treat him like the brother I never had. I mean, yes, he's useless and he's not interested in anything beyond Nintendo but, y'know.

We went shopping, I found another duck - really must get out my entire collection and count them one day - and bought some new toothbrushes and some orange juice for work and we bought ingredients for Rocky Road, then came home and watched Scott Pilgrim. Well, I only half-watched it. Then we bulled UB into letting us watch some of the extra features and damn, I'd forgotten exactly why I used to have a fairly big crush on Edgar Wright. Isn't he lovely? I mean, physically he's My Type - the smallish guy with longish unruly hair and a great thick streak of geeky passion. He also works far too long and doesn't sleep enough, so he has a tendency to exhaustion, headaches and colds which tends to bring out my otherwise-hidden caring side and make me go "Aww, poor poorly baby!" And I've never heard anyone say a bad word about him (I've seen plenty of criticism of his manic directing style, on the other hand) and he just seems to be a really nice person. I like Edgar Wright a lot.

At Rangers this week we did some Fimo modelling. I made another little dragon to add to my collection but he only got baked this afternoon and then I sat and painted him with three coats of varnish while watching the film. I will take a photo of my Fimo dragons tomorrow. They're cute.

UB had also brought Toy Story 3 but I can't watch it. I have a ridiculously sentimental streak in which even the idea of it makes me very nearly cry, and a discussion of Toy Story 3 and Mr Magorian's Wonder Emporium had me with tears in my eyes this morning, without even watching either of them. (We watched Mr Magorian on Christmas Day a couple of years ago. I really don't know what it is about it, or what was wrong with me that day, but I cried my eyes out for hours. I've never done that before or since. I just couldn't stop it. Stupid things make me cry.)

Then when we'd finished with Scott Pilgrim, we made Rocky Road, then watched Total Wipeout and Primeval and then UB and Sister played Goldeneye on Wii. I have a problem with video games. I'll have a go and not be very good, because I'm not used to the controls but people won't give me the chance to get used to it. It's always "Look, look, watch me, this is how you do it." Oh great. Three hours of watching you drive a virtual car/shoot people/play golf. Jess is particularly bad for this. I want to enjoy it, I really do but it's not something that comes naturally to me and no one's willing to be patient with a beginner. (Arcade Soul Caliber, however, I'm awesome at. We used to go to the arcades above one of the bars when I lived in Switzerland and I would annihilate my two friends there.)

And when he'd gone, I retreated back to bed and laptop, which is where I am now, waiting to feel sleepy enough to go to bed. I've had a very enjoyable day. Goodnight.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - drink)
I am sitting on a radiator eating onion crackers and drinking apple & blackcurrant. I got home from work feeling I could make a bit of a dent in The Sequel's first chapter but within five or ten minutes I realised I was sufficiently dehydrated that I was going to have to abandon the work to find some fluids. I'm normally very good at drinking. In fact, I've realised as I've grown up that either I drink ludicrous amounts or my friends don't drink nearly enough. Squash for fluids, crackers for salt, radiator for warmth and I'm settled for the evening.

I don't know what happened yesterday. I felt groggy and zombified in the morning from lack of sleep but by afternoon, I was actually feeling properly not-very-well, complete with constant shiveriness. I felt pretty ill. Came home from work, fell in the bath and stayed there reading for more than three hours. (Apparently this is not strictly normal either?) and although I didn't sleep brilliantly last night, it at least merited a :| rather than a :( in my diary and I've felt fine all day today.

Seems Silver's coming home in a week/ten days or so. I have very mixed feelings about this. Very. I more or less skipped the hormonal-confusion thing when I was a teenager but it seems I couldn't evade it forever.

I think I shall go back to Alex being hot and cranky in Morocco.
phantym_56: (pints of crazy)

I was going to write a rant about having babies. It's been on my mind recently, not because anyone's been hassling me about it, just because. (The reason for this is more obvious to some of you than others.) I was going to rant but it can be quite elegantly summed up in a few words:

How old do you have to be before you can say "I don't want children" without someone else saying "You'll change your mind one day"?

I'm twenty-five. I know I like neither babies, toddlers, kids nor teenagers and I know I don't want one of my own.

What does wind me up, and it's going to come up again tomorrow, I can already feel it, is the food issue. I'm beginning to feel more capable of explaining this - a little. So I'm going to go for it, because I know I've alluded to it a few times here.

My Food Thing. It's long. Really long. It's about what I eat. Not much, yet I expand it to the point where it took over an hour to write. It's an attempt to get everything written down and therefore it hasn't come out hugely coherent. )

 I need to stop rambling on vaguely food-related stuff and go to bed. Early morning tomorrow.


phantym_56: (Default)

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