phantym_56: (Default)

STRESSED!

(hence awake still at 3.34am)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

phantym_56: (tg - tilt)
 Tonight I don't care about anything. I have not watched the news and I have only glanced over the live feed on the BBC website because tonight I haven't got the energy to care about rioting and my country going to hell.

Tonight I have fed the Pig and eaten too many Doritos and had a very long bath and finished the rubbish chick-lit with the outrageously bright pink cover I started a month ago and I have a very warm laptop on my knees. I have one more tablet to take and then I'm done - two full weeks of trying to swallow a weeny little pill three times a day. I'm going to hurt a lot in approximately four days time and be very unhappy but at least that didn't happen while I was on holiday and the sums I've done work out that I won't hurt while I'm in Orkney either. But I'll be so glad not to have to force the pills down after tonight.

I sat in a meeting with the bank manager - very nice, rather good looking and provided adequate entertainment to not get too bored while we discussed cash flow spreadsheets. Well, cash flow would have been ok. I was there because I'm the one who actually put the cash flow spreadsheet together. But the nice bank manager wanted to discuss the spreadsheet that I didn't make, the one that provided the figures for me to put in my sheet. So I spent an hour and a half not having a clue what he and the accountant were talking about, occasionally daydreaming and being suddenly recalled when he asked for my opinion. I am not an accountant. I am an office dogsbody who happens to have a vague idea how Excel works. But like I say, it wasn't unpleasant to be in his company for a while.

I am still relishing this independence thing. In a little while I will drag myself off to bed, wrap up in my beloved blankets and probably fail to fall asleep.

(Just for the fun of it, I keep writing little snippets of Alex/Joey. Not going to end up in the book. Just because they're pretty. Alex is very disinterested in romantic/sexual relationships and Joey's straight and not looking for anyone new after his last relationship disaster anyway. God knows how they would end up "together". But it's still fun writing them cuddling up together, squabbling over the amount of breakfast one should eat, having a chaotic pile of books, biscuits, glasses, needles and smartphones beside the bed and putting cold hands up each others backs at night for warmth. Fluffy spies are fluffy.)

ALSO!! ALSO!!! Is it just an English thing or does it sound unbearably posh to everyone to shorten the word "umbrella" to "brelly"? Only "brelly" makes a lot more sense than "brolly". Only it does sound unbearably posh to say "brelly". I generally compromise and go for "umbrelly". Because at home, I talk like a four-year-old. (seriously. My "kitchen table dialect" is a hideous mixture of lolcat, babytalk, carrot cruncher and intentional appalling grammar with a smattering of Navy Lark and just a touch of Mitchell & Webb. In my defence, in public I do speak like an adult human being, albeit one who talks too fast and then falls over her words and finishes up stuttering.)
phantym_56: (shitehawk)
New week tomorrow, new start. Positivity and all that. Cheering up. Recognising that there are good things in my life. I know I can't win every day but it does feel like I've had more loses than wins recently.

You can't depend on other people to make you happy and there are many things I can do myself to make me happy. To completely mangle a quote: "Life is what happens while you're waiting for other people". I'm not waiting for them anymore. I'm doing things and seeing things and it's very small-minded of people I called friends to say things like "You need to find a boyfriend... you sort of mess up the numbers." Fuck that. It's my life and I don't want a boyfriend in it. I will not conform to your petty little social statuses. You will not make me feel like an outcast because my life doesn't exactly match yours. And you know what? I've seen your life. It doesn't appeal very much. It seems to involve spending a lot of time sitting at home with a husband who doesn't strike me as a terribly interesting man and doesn't seem to even speak very much. (Not aimed at anyone in particular.)

Have you ever looked at the midday sun from halfway up a Transylvanian mountain you never meant to be anywhere near and felt glee? Have you ever shrieked in adrenaline-fuelled triumph while standing on a plank? Have you ever sat in a darkened room surrounded by strangers, unable to breathe because you're laughing so hard? Well, I have. And I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd waited for someone to come with me. Sometimes I'm "lonely", yes. But most of the time I'm "independent" or "free". And besides, it's not a crime to be a person who finds being alone more comfortable than being surrounded by people. It's not a crime to not be a people-person. As long as you're happy with that. And most of the time, I am. I came to terms long ago with the fact that I'm happier hiding in my room than I am at a party.

I know that I don't quite fit into any of the boxes you want to put me in. Is she a shy quiet meek little mouse? Yes! And yet is she a bold, pig-headed, too-fearless-for-her-own good bulldozer? Yes! Dreamer or doer? Yes! To both! Jenny once told me I was cool because I didn't care what anyone else thought of me. And that's something that a lot of teens think about themselves and they are sadly mistaken and for that reason, I don't entirely like the description. But I can't deny that there's a certain amount of accuracy in it. Whether or not you find that admirable is up to you. I'm not striding out there radiating "I'm weird! I don't care what you think of me!" because that makes me fucking cringe. But neither am I skulking around going "Please like me, I'll die if you think I'm weird."

The upshot of this all is that I am, like most people, a bit of a patchwork (and probably a patchwork in progress at that) and it's time for me to embrace that a bit, cheer the fuck up and not give a damn about whether or not my friends have got any time in their tedious little lives for me.

(Please note the shitehawk icon. I am pouring out words and emotions and not necessarily phrasing things how I might if I was trying to be diplomatic)
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - lion)
I am not exactly out of sorts today but.... *groans*

Day started brilliantly. I was running a little late anyway, couldn't find my keys in my bag. Instantly knew where they were but that didn't stop me running around the house desperately hunting for them. No. They were in the car we went to the grandparents' in yesterday. Phoned Dad, who works 20-odd miles away. Phoned work. Blessed colleague came and picked me up (although I now unaccountably feel beholden to her). Dad said he didn't have that car. Phoned Mum. She only works 6 or so miles away. She dropped my keys off at lunchtime, enabling me to lock the building at 5pm and get to Brownies.

So I was a little late and car-less and found a message on my desk to please call Boss's Feisty Mother. Last week, in my haste to get a job done for Dearly Beloved Boss before running into a meeting I wasn't actually needed in, I didn't read an itinerary properly and made a booking for Sunday morning that should have been made for Monday. Great. Just what I need first thing on a Monday. Fortunately, Dearly Beloved Boss seemed pretty calm about the whole thing. I phoned, made the arrangements and then tactfully re-wrote my email with the line "then you just have to do x" instead of "but you'll have to do x" which really does make all the difference.

And ok, the rest of my day went fine. Except now I'm cold, not in a bone-deep sort of way, just in the sort of way that makes me want to cling to a source of heat, like a radiator or a hot water bottle. The heating went off ages ago and all the hot water bottles in the house have been eaten by some gremlin or other. Blankets are lovely and warm but I want to cling to something hot! I crave it!

So sleepy! Forget trying to figure out what order my 21 chapters of The Sequel should go in. I've got them all on bits of paper, I've stuck a few together in sets - these three go together in this order, these six go together in this order etc but I've still got six or seven chapters loose and I don't know exactly where to put them. Does Joey have a car crash before or after the poisoning-induced psychotic episode? When do they get held hostage? Where do I put Something Else? Yes, some of my chapter descriptions are incredibly vague. When is this scene set during a theatre production of Macbeth going to happen? etc etc. I suppose tomorrow at work I'll sit there and quietly stick 21 small pieces of paper together to create a long ribbon while pretending to work. Am I rambling? Yes. Because I'm too sleepy to be able to concentrate. G'night all.

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phantym_56

June 2012

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