phantym_56: (ed - reunited - exhausted)
I can't sleep. Been a while since I've done a middle-of-the-night-and-unhappy posting because on the whole I've slept really well ever since I adopted the blankets but tonight.. not happening. I'm not panicking, I'm perfectly calm, just bored out of my mind. Too hot under the blanket but a bit cold out of them and also, becaused I'm weird like that, I feel very vulnerable to stab attacks if I'm not covered up. Yes. As if a blanket is protection from being stabbed which isn't going to happen anyway.

It was hard yesterday (although having not slept yet, it still feels today; anyway, I mean Monday) to snap out of the miserable mood. Once I get a feeling lodged in my head, it's really hard to get rid of it, particularly when that feeling is that you don't have any friends. Just constantly going over and over it. Fortunately, my head can only really contain one persistent thought at a time and learning to be left-handed can occupy enough of it that there isn't enough space left for sad feelings. And then Brownies (have I mentioned recently what a cure-all they can be?) drove out all thoughts altogether. Brownies are brilliant for cheering me up. We did some skipping with them and by the end, we had two who had, through stubborn refusal to give up, pretty much mastered the art of jumping into the double-dutch ropes. They weren't so brilliant at carrying on jumping once they were in but they could get in and that was a joy to watch.

Then afterwards, me and Mandy compared upper arm muscles. I used to climb quite a bit at uni, I used to have proper muscles there (until someone attempted to feel the muscle. I am very ticklish. Someone grabbing my arm instantly reduces the muslce to squirming spider limbs) and although they're not as prominent as they used to be, yeah, there's still muscle of a sort there.

I am tired. I have dimmed my laptop as much as it'll go but the light is still really hurting my eyes and picking up a computer is a really, really bad way to tire myself out. I'm going to stop rambling, put it down and lie here listening to the birds chirruping outside. Don't know if they've noticed it's really quite dark indeed. Sparrows, blackbirds, martins and maybe the odd thrush, I think, judging by the birds I seen regularly in the garden. We also have a lot of pigeons and crows but I know what pigeons and crows sound like and the high-pitched chirruping outside my window definitely doesn't contain any cooing or squawking.
phantym_56: (shitehawk)
New week tomorrow, new start. Positivity and all that. Cheering up. Recognising that there are good things in my life. I know I can't win every day but it does feel like I've had more loses than wins recently.

You can't depend on other people to make you happy and there are many things I can do myself to make me happy. To completely mangle a quote: "Life is what happens while you're waiting for other people". I'm not waiting for them anymore. I'm doing things and seeing things and it's very small-minded of people I called friends to say things like "You need to find a boyfriend... you sort of mess up the numbers." Fuck that. It's my life and I don't want a boyfriend in it. I will not conform to your petty little social statuses. You will not make me feel like an outcast because my life doesn't exactly match yours. And you know what? I've seen your life. It doesn't appeal very much. It seems to involve spending a lot of time sitting at home with a husband who doesn't strike me as a terribly interesting man and doesn't seem to even speak very much. (Not aimed at anyone in particular.)

Have you ever looked at the midday sun from halfway up a Transylvanian mountain you never meant to be anywhere near and felt glee? Have you ever shrieked in adrenaline-fuelled triumph while standing on a plank? Have you ever sat in a darkened room surrounded by strangers, unable to breathe because you're laughing so hard? Well, I have. And I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd waited for someone to come with me. Sometimes I'm "lonely", yes. But most of the time I'm "independent" or "free". And besides, it's not a crime to be a person who finds being alone more comfortable than being surrounded by people. It's not a crime to not be a people-person. As long as you're happy with that. And most of the time, I am. I came to terms long ago with the fact that I'm happier hiding in my room than I am at a party.

I know that I don't quite fit into any of the boxes you want to put me in. Is she a shy quiet meek little mouse? Yes! And yet is she a bold, pig-headed, too-fearless-for-her-own good bulldozer? Yes! Dreamer or doer? Yes! To both! Jenny once told me I was cool because I didn't care what anyone else thought of me. And that's something that a lot of teens think about themselves and they are sadly mistaken and for that reason, I don't entirely like the description. But I can't deny that there's a certain amount of accuracy in it. Whether or not you find that admirable is up to you. I'm not striding out there radiating "I'm weird! I don't care what you think of me!" because that makes me fucking cringe. But neither am I skulking around going "Please like me, I'll die if you think I'm weird."

The upshot of this all is that I am, like most people, a bit of a patchwork (and probably a patchwork in progress at that) and it's time for me to embrace that a bit, cheer the fuck up and not give a damn about whether or not my friends have got any time in their tedious little lives for me.

(Please note the shitehawk icon. I am pouring out words and emotions and not necessarily phrasing things how I might if I was trying to be diplomatic)
phantym_56: (bryan - pretty hair)
Sorry. I'm feeling a lot better now. Calmer, more rational, heart a little stonier. I have cried my cry (not helped by going downstairs to demonstrate calmness straight into a room where Mother and Sister were watching Long Lost Family - set me off again!) and I am back in my right mind.
The misery hasn't hit much in 2011 but damn, that hit hard tonight.

We have a long weekend coming up. I am making good on my resolution to hike more, with a seven mile hill and cliff hike planned, depending on weather and period pains. I managed to buy food tonight and I'll see if I can hunt down my Camelbak in the morning and then off I'm going. After all, there's no need to watch The Wedding when the news for the next week will show all the important bits.

Saturday is for a little shopping. A couple of years ago I bought a big soft red tartan shirt with a hood and it's wonderful for either wearing on its own or for throwing on as an extra warm layer. Don't know what I'd have done without it in Vilnius. The shop I bought it from now has a very similar one in blue on its website. I will need to prod it to make sure it's just as soft but if it is, I'm buying it. And I've got some Norwegian kroner reserved at the travel agent. In a fit of organisationalness, I ordered it on Tuesday. The last two mad trips I've done, Romania and Lithuania, they don't have currency that is generally kept in stock at travel agents or post offices, you have to order it in plenty of time. But apparently, Norway is a common enough destination that I could have just walked in the day before I left and asked for it and they'd just have taken it out of the NOK drawer.

And I suppose I should find a birthday present for Sister. I've been toying with the idea of a spa day - she really wants to go and is insanely jealous that I've been twice and the one we went to for Annie's hen party does a £65 day all-in, two treatments. That's £130 for the both of us, because obviously I'd go as well. And I could afford that. But... it's £130, which is a lot of money and it may also suggest I'm more fond of her than I actually am. I may go for the old standby of shoes/clothes/makeup/Johnny Depp DVD. I notice The Tourist is out and I'm fairly sure she hasn't got it yet. But I have no idea what the Useless Boyfriend is getting her. Probably not an engagement ring. (She's stopped saying "No, I'm not marrying [Useless Boyfriend]" and started saying "Well, he isn't proposing. No, I'm not asking him." My point being that now, in the unlikely event of him asking, she would say yes, whereas before she wasn't keen on the idea.)

Sunday is a day off and so is Monday. I have made no plans but I'm hoping to get out of tidying my room. Yes, it looks like it belongs to a particularly messy thirteen-year-old. You try fitting twenty-five years of life in one minuscule room and see how tidy it is. Twenty-five years of life of a hoarder who gets ridiculously attached to things, at that.

Goodnight. I'm clearly in need of a good long sleep.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - hug)
I have had an awful day.
 
One of those days when nothing particular is wrong but you pretty much spend the whole day feeling like everyone hates you, there isn't a soul in the world who would even notice if you weren't there and generally trying not to burst into tears in front of the entire office. I have been desperately unhappy and horribly lonely all day and there wasn't even a reason for it. And people being nice makes it worse - someone trying to be sympathetic is more likely to make me choke than cheer up. If I hadn't had Rangers tonight, I would probably have come upstairs and cried, except I'm too repressed to really be able to get it out, even on my own. Luckily, Rangers are great for taking my mind off non-existent problems and making me smile again, so I'm reasonably ok now. Tiredness and lack of food were undoubtedly contributing factors in the horrible day. Roll on tomorrow and let it be a better one.
phantym_56: (shitehawk)
*repeats* Every day is a battle. You can't win every day.

Not having the best of days. Today I am definitely not winning.

Everyone's got loads of work that they haven't got time to do, so everyone's giving it to me. And it all has to be done now. I'm getting people interrupting what I'm doing to remind me to do it. I don't want to turn all Basil Fawlty on them but... I'm doing it! You've just made me stop doing it to ask me if I'm doing it! And then Old Sage Boss leans across and says "Are'y busy?" and I can't say "Yes, leave me alone for a day or two!", I have to say "Kind of..." as if I've got half the afternoon free.

As well as that, in another moment of madness, my Dearly Beloved Boss has decided to move all the sales team into another room. The two desks that used to against mine are now gone. There's just me in the middle of the room, looking like I should have a barbed wire fence around me instead of the island of desks that was there 24 hours ago. This is a cause of great giggling to some other people. "Aw, [Phantym] looks lonely all on her own in the middle of the room!" Does she? Wonder why that might be. It's nothing personal, I know that. But all the same, suddenly my closest neighbours are Old Sage Boss and Boss's Feisty Mother, one of whom keeps quiet and the other who never stops complaining and peppers every sentence that comes out of her mouth with an excess of the word "bloody".

Tomorrow will be better.
phantym_56: (maxwell - dark lord)
Can't do great detail. There's only been nine days of it. It's been cold, it's snowed, I've made snow chains for my boots and apart from that, not done a lot. Soon it will be Christmas and I haven't finished shopping yet. One parcel seems to have gone missing in the post. Godless Christmas next week, spa day the week after. Maybe seeing Jess & Annie the week after. I don't have any enthusiasm for writing about "this month".

I'm sorry I've been miserable again the last couple of days. Life. People. This is a war and every day is a battle and I can't win every battle. Sometimes maybe I'll be sad, sometimes I'll be frustrated, sometimes I'll be upset. I've lost a couple of battles this week but I still think I'm winning the war.

I didn't sleep well last night. I've spent most of the last week working on the profit & loss account at work and every time I closed my eyes, I just saw my bed as a series of twelve boxes and I didn't know what numbers to put in them. Then I'd open my eyes and tell myself my bed is my bed, it's just one thing and it's right here but... eyes closed, back come the boxes. The surrealness of it stopped me getting too upset with it. Imagining some loving boyfriend making me warm and comfortable and giving me drinks and rubbing away my headache was nice but if anything, made it harder to get to sleep. (I have a cold. Just a lovely ordinary one with a bit of added headachiness for the fun of it, nothing like the flu bug from hell I had in October. No sneezing or coughing, just a misbehaving nose and mild lingering headaches. It's so nice to be back to ordinary non-miserable illness!)

Another thing that made me happy today was my boss. I generally give the impression that I hate him. I'm not keen on him; he's capricious and unpredictable and frequently moody but quite often he's in a good mood and sometimes he's just weird. We've got a water machine which used to be up in the main office but on his orders was moved yesterday to reception (Stupid place to put it. Walk all the way to the front door for a cup of water?!). It's just a stand that holds up a massive 9l bottle of water and you can have it room temperature or icy-cold. Anyway, he was talking to his Feisty Mother on the phone last night. Conversation went as so:

Boss: I'm a bit worried about where you've put the water machine.
Mother: [Boss], I didn't put it there. It was your orders to move it.
Boss: Well, I'm a bit worried about where it is. People might pee in the bottles.

...I don't even know. Have I mentioned that he's weird?

This is my elephant table, by the way. He's cracked on the tabletop and on one of his ears but he's still adorable. Even Mum likes him; says the cracks add to his character. There were half a dozen elephant tables but I fell in love with the cracked one. He's going in my house one day. I was going to make a winter project of him, try to repair the cracks, clean him up etc but I'm not going to. He's cute enough how he is.

My elephant table )Isn't he cuuuuute?

Now the pressure's off, I'm going to start playing with Alex and Joey again. I want 100,000 words of serviceable Draft Zero of The Sequel by the end of March and as of the end of NaNoWriMo I had just under 31,000. I'm very fond of my boys.

I've got the house to myself for a few hours tonight so I've got a blanket and some cheesy biscuits and I'm watching Zemanovaload, which I haven't seen for far too long. I like it. It's a good-hearted film and I genuinely can't decide whether my favourite thing about it is Ed Byrne, all short spiky hair and dark eyes and shirts over bright-coloured t-shirts, or the soundtrack. I may picspam this film at some point.

For now, I'm warm and sniffly and contented. I think I'm winning today.

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June 2012

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