phantym_56: (shitehawk)
New week tomorrow, new start. Positivity and all that. Cheering up. Recognising that there are good things in my life. I know I can't win every day but it does feel like I've had more loses than wins recently.

You can't depend on other people to make you happy and there are many things I can do myself to make me happy. To completely mangle a quote: "Life is what happens while you're waiting for other people". I'm not waiting for them anymore. I'm doing things and seeing things and it's very small-minded of people I called friends to say things like "You need to find a boyfriend... you sort of mess up the numbers." Fuck that. It's my life and I don't want a boyfriend in it. I will not conform to your petty little social statuses. You will not make me feel like an outcast because my life doesn't exactly match yours. And you know what? I've seen your life. It doesn't appeal very much. It seems to involve spending a lot of time sitting at home with a husband who doesn't strike me as a terribly interesting man and doesn't seem to even speak very much. (Not aimed at anyone in particular.)

Have you ever looked at the midday sun from halfway up a Transylvanian mountain you never meant to be anywhere near and felt glee? Have you ever shrieked in adrenaline-fuelled triumph while standing on a plank? Have you ever sat in a darkened room surrounded by strangers, unable to breathe because you're laughing so hard? Well, I have. And I wouldn't have done any of it if I'd waited for someone to come with me. Sometimes I'm "lonely", yes. But most of the time I'm "independent" or "free". And besides, it's not a crime to be a person who finds being alone more comfortable than being surrounded by people. It's not a crime to not be a people-person. As long as you're happy with that. And most of the time, I am. I came to terms long ago with the fact that I'm happier hiding in my room than I am at a party.

I know that I don't quite fit into any of the boxes you want to put me in. Is she a shy quiet meek little mouse? Yes! And yet is she a bold, pig-headed, too-fearless-for-her-own good bulldozer? Yes! Dreamer or doer? Yes! To both! Jenny once told me I was cool because I didn't care what anyone else thought of me. And that's something that a lot of teens think about themselves and they are sadly mistaken and for that reason, I don't entirely like the description. But I can't deny that there's a certain amount of accuracy in it. Whether or not you find that admirable is up to you. I'm not striding out there radiating "I'm weird! I don't care what you think of me!" because that makes me fucking cringe. But neither am I skulking around going "Please like me, I'll die if you think I'm weird."

The upshot of this all is that I am, like most people, a bit of a patchwork (and probably a patchwork in progress at that) and it's time for me to embrace that a bit, cheer the fuck up and not give a damn about whether or not my friends have got any time in their tedious little lives for me.

(Please note the shitehawk icon. I am pouring out words and emotions and not necessarily phrasing things how I might if I was trying to be diplomatic)
phantym_56: (ed - headhand)
Things that are always nice: The lad working in the corner shop who starts with "hello" then asks if you're having a nice day and who comes across as either a) on his first day there b) on drugs or c) genuinely happy

Have you all had a nice day, Livejournal?
phantym_56: (ed - graham norton)

It is a good day, people. Boss not in the office. London plans being made. And you know what they say about lightning? I think it may strike again

There are too many tags for a post this short.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

phantym_56: (ed - pretty hair)

Yes, I'm feeling chatty tonight. I've written another letter to Silver and I'm much happier with this one. It's not so preoccupied with the asexuality thing, the handwriting is actually pretty legible (most importantly, the line "I'm very attached to you" is very clearly attached rather than possibly attracted) and I intend to actually send this one, along with a box of stuff. It occurred to me to search the internet and I now have a list of things that could be sent, including stuff I'd never have thought of like socks, eye drops and batteries.

I'm still sitting on my bed with my blankets and my radiator. The hot chocolate's long gone and although I'd love another cup, two big cups of milk would not agree with my system so I'll resist.
I'm listening to music, which I do very rarely. I'm warm, lazy and beginning to feel the first signs of sleepiness that come with a pleasant quiet evening relaxing.
Contemplating getting a book down..
Also enjoying not feeling guilty that I'm not working with Alex and Joey, for the first time in a month.
This weekend I'm going to go shopping, maybe go to the NaNo TGIO party as a proud failure who has written 30% of a second book, which I wouldn't otherwise have done (The Sequel should, by the end of March, be about 100,000 words and maybe by this time next year I'll have an idea of how the plot goes).
In two weeks I'm going to Godless Christmas and I'm going to see lots of lovely, clever, funny, articulate people, in three weeks I'm going to spend a day drifting around a spa and be put to sleep with a lot of coconut oil and next week I'm going on a boat to France with my work friends, providing one of them hasn't got/has recovered from E coli. Don't eat burgers from a van, people.
It might snow soon which would be lovely. I like winter. Am I the only person who actually quite likes coming out of work into the dark? Apart from the fact that it reminds me of being a student - I had one lecture a week that finished fairly late and got used to coming out onto campus in the dark, I also like the way lights look so bright. Traffic lights, car lights, streetlights - they're so bright and pretty. I hate being cold but if I've got adequate clothing on, I like winter more than summer. I don't tend to go nearly as droopy in the winter. I like winter, I like chilliness, I like snuggling up in the warm, I like the dark, I like pretty lights. I'm so a winter person.

phantym_56: (ed - reunited - win)
I've had a bad few months, between the loneliness of July, the insomnia of September and the ongoing virus/cough (that I still haven't quite got rid of, four weeks tonight! although it's so much improved it's virtually gone. Just catches me every now and then) of the last four weeks and I have whined and whined pretty much incessantly and I'm very sorry. I whine when I don't feel good and I haven't been feeling good for what seems like a long time. Thanks for putting up with the whining.

As of tonight (or maybe just over the weekend) normal service will resume. I'm returning to happy. There will be at least three posts a week, none of which will contain a whine and which may contain holiday photos, random photos, picspams of Irish comedians or just something non-negative. Maybe I'll watch some TV and tell you what I think of it. Maybe I'll plan an impulsive trip away and rave about how much I love this place or that place. I'm also going to try my hand at  not friends-locking everything. I want to feel open again.

The New Year is coming up, you see, and it's all too easy to make resolutions about starting afresh and then immediately forgetting them. This weekend is my New Year.


phantym_56: (Default)

June 2012

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