Apr. 28th, 2011

phantym_56: (russ/charley)

Dear Mother

It is very nice that you should be concerned that I come in crying. It is less nice to
1) say "Now I have to worry about what's upset you or worrying you and that's not fair on me." No, Mother, trying to guilt-trip me like that when you can see I'm upset isn't fair on me.
2) refuse to leave me alone until you get an answer that satisfies you.
3) tease me about the slight wibbliness around my middle when I'm sitting up on my bed.

I'm not crying at anything in particular, I'm just tired, hormonal and getting irrationally upset that Annie still hasn't answered the text I sent two or three weeks ago asking if she's free any time in the next few weeks. I'm not stupid enough to get upset that she hasn't answered. It's more that she always does this and it makes me feel like someone I classified as "my best friend" for over ten years just really doesn't care whether I'm alive or dead these days. It makes me want to text passive-aggressive bitchery to her or delete her number or do something drastic to demonstrate to her that I'm still fucking here and if she doesn't stop ignoring me, then I'm drawing a formal ending to this friendship which is clearly going absolutely nowhere.

I knew there was a reason I put "Don't contact friends" as one of my New Year's Resolutions. It's not even just Annie. I know I have a very limited circle of friends but those I have apparently don't have space in their busy lives to so much as say hello to me on Facebook chat once a year. Enlarging my circle of friends is difficult because I'm not very good at making friends, and the ones I've had thus far have not really caused me to have much faith in other people.

/self-pity. I do function better on my own and I definitely function better when I haven't been trying to get in touch with people and been let down again.

phantym_56: (bryan - pretty hair)
Sorry. I'm feeling a lot better now. Calmer, more rational, heart a little stonier. I have cried my cry (not helped by going downstairs to demonstrate calmness straight into a room where Mother and Sister were watching Long Lost Family - set me off again!) and I am back in my right mind.
The misery hasn't hit much in 2011 but damn, that hit hard tonight.

We have a long weekend coming up. I am making good on my resolution to hike more, with a seven mile hill and cliff hike planned, depending on weather and period pains. I managed to buy food tonight and I'll see if I can hunt down my Camelbak in the morning and then off I'm going. After all, there's no need to watch The Wedding when the news for the next week will show all the important bits.

Saturday is for a little shopping. A couple of years ago I bought a big soft red tartan shirt with a hood and it's wonderful for either wearing on its own or for throwing on as an extra warm layer. Don't know what I'd have done without it in Vilnius. The shop I bought it from now has a very similar one in blue on its website. I will need to prod it to make sure it's just as soft but if it is, I'm buying it. And I've got some Norwegian kroner reserved at the travel agent. In a fit of organisationalness, I ordered it on Tuesday. The last two mad trips I've done, Romania and Lithuania, they don't have currency that is generally kept in stock at travel agents or post offices, you have to order it in plenty of time. But apparently, Norway is a common enough destination that I could have just walked in the day before I left and asked for it and they'd just have taken it out of the NOK drawer.

And I suppose I should find a birthday present for Sister. I've been toying with the idea of a spa day - she really wants to go and is insanely jealous that I've been twice and the one we went to for Annie's hen party does a £65 day all-in, two treatments. That's £130 for the both of us, because obviously I'd go as well. And I could afford that. But... it's £130, which is a lot of money and it may also suggest I'm more fond of her than I actually am. I may go for the old standby of shoes/clothes/makeup/Johnny Depp DVD. I notice The Tourist is out and I'm fairly sure she hasn't got it yet. But I have no idea what the Useless Boyfriend is getting her. Probably not an engagement ring. (She's stopped saying "No, I'm not marrying [Useless Boyfriend]" and started saying "Well, he isn't proposing. No, I'm not asking him." My point being that now, in the unlikely event of him asking, she would say yes, whereas before she wasn't keen on the idea.)

Sunday is a day off and so is Monday. I have made no plans but I'm hoping to get out of tidying my room. Yes, it looks like it belongs to a particularly messy thirteen-year-old. You try fitting twenty-five years of life in one minuscule room and see how tidy it is. Twenty-five years of life of a hoarder who gets ridiculously attached to things, at that.

Goodnight. I'm clearly in need of a good long sleep.


phantym_56: (Default)

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