phantym_56: (ed - reunited - drink)
I am sitting on a radiator eating onion crackers and drinking apple & blackcurrant. I got home from work feeling I could make a bit of a dent in The Sequel's first chapter but within five or ten minutes I realised I was sufficiently dehydrated that I was going to have to abandon the work to find some fluids. I'm normally very good at drinking. In fact, I've realised as I've grown up that either I drink ludicrous amounts or my friends don't drink nearly enough. Squash for fluids, crackers for salt, radiator for warmth and I'm settled for the evening.

I don't know what happened yesterday. I felt groggy and zombified in the morning from lack of sleep but by afternoon, I was actually feeling properly not-very-well, complete with constant shiveriness. I felt pretty ill. Came home from work, fell in the bath and stayed there reading for more than three hours. (Apparently this is not strictly normal either?) and although I didn't sleep brilliantly last night, it at least merited a :| rather than a :( in my diary and I've felt fine all day today.

Seems Silver's coming home in a week/ten days or so. I have very mixed feelings about this. Very. I more or less skipped the hormonal-confusion thing when I was a teenager but it seems I couldn't evade it forever.

I think I shall go back to Alex being hot and cranky in Morocco.
phantym_56: (bryan - kursk)
Easy. Silver and Magpie. Magpie because he was my guardian angel and he's disappeared off the face of the Earth. No answer to texts or emails and although I've still got him on Facebook he doesn't seem to use it anymore. Silver because... well, I'm hugely attached to him and girlfriend or no, we nearly had something and it feels like massive unfinished business.

That's not great detail. On the whole, over this tedious meme, I've not been brilliant at "in great detail". And besides, I've talked at length about both of these boys so there's not a lot to be said here. And I'm really tired. Probably went to bed later than I should have been last night, was certainly woken too early this morning. And the night before, although I slept I also went to bed too late and got up too early and woke up briefly in the night as well. That'll be why I'm tired. I don't like being tired. It makes me feel miserable and occasionally also manages to make me feel lonely. On nights like this when I'm especially tired, I start wishing I had a lovely boyfriend who'll wrap his arms around me and murmur soothing things until I fall asleep on him. But when it gets to the part where he gets me settled into bed, he disappears from the mental picture because if there's one thing I know it's that I can't sleep with someone else so close. I'm incredibly fidgety and someone else's presence makes me very conscious of my fidgeting and then I feel like I can't fling arms and legs out and it sounds like I'm breathing too loudly and... just no. And while I have no objection to cuddling sleepily in bed, if I need to actually sleep then Imaginary Boyfriend has to go.

However (cheer up child!), I'm not lonely tonight. I'm only ever lonely if I get a message saying I can't see/go out with my friends after all. And I haven't had one of them in a while. I am one of nature's loners and while I know it seems odd to people who aren't like me, I find my life runs much more smoothly and much less stressfully on my own. (Been reading AVEN forum thread on this subject tonight; am feeling vindicated in there being nothing wrong with me preferring not to be around other people)

Should stop rambling and go to bed. Rambling is frequently a symptom of being tired.
phantym_56: (maxwell - snowboarding)
Right. I was... fifteen, I think. It was February or March. I'd acquired a boyfriend by accident (a Valentine's card sent four years earlier had triggered some overexcited texting, finishing with "Will you be my girlfriend (and don't tell [Jess]!)") and sweet as he was, he wasn't boyfriend material at the time, I wasn't girlfriend material and it was a mess waiting to happen. I was stuck with that from February 7th to the night before we went on our GCSE study leave in about May/June before I summoned the courage to dump him. By text. Even at the time, I knew that wasn't really the done thing but I felt since it had started with a text, it wasn't so unreasonable to end it with a text. Anyway, I'd gone to his house one Saturday afternoon and he'd played some Playstation game while I sat and watched. I am as incapable of playing video games as I am of walking on the surface of the sun. Many people assert their authority over me by humiliating me at video games. We were sitting on the floor, against his bed when he turned to me and I knew what was going to happen. I turned my head away and he kissed my ear. Then he giggled softly and said "Let's try that again," turned my head and kissed me. I wasn't keen. I seem to remember that afternoon, tying him up with a dressing gown cord in an attempt to get him to leave me alone but hadn't realised at that age that tying your boyfriend up doesn't generally signify that you don't want him.

In fact, while I'm talking about kissing, I'm not a huge fan. I've been kissed by *counts on fingers* six people? This first boyfriend of mine, Silver, some guy from the opposite court when I was at uni, Moon from the club and Tank. Five people. At the Freshers Ball in my first week of uni, our house pretty much paired off with the people from No 21. He didn't have anyone and neither did I so we ended up with each other by default. That is not grounds to take him back to my room, or indeed to be taken back to his, afterwwards. My main memory of that night is losing my bracelet, finding my bracelet, walking back barefoot across acorns with him making us stop every three steps so he could kiss me again, me thinking "This fucking hurts, I want to go home, get off me!" (hurts = the acorns rather than the kissing) and then "How do I get rid of him?!" once we got back to the court. Moon from the club - another accidental relationship. Didn't go well. I never intended to end up with him. And I think I talked about Tank here, back in September.

What I know is that I've been kissed by Silver enough times and seen him kiss other people on the same night - Summer Ball, New Year's Eve etc etc - that I've lost any sense of kissing being special. I quite like it when he's been drinking too much beer because it makes him taste really sweet but no, on the whole it doesn't do anything for me.

That's detail. I've failed at "detail" on most of the other questions but I think that's even too much detail.

Today I've helped put the Christmas lights out on the hedge. We've got flashing blue-white ones - we used to have white icicle lights but they got destroyed a couple of years ago so now we have a plain string of white LED ones which we just drape. We also have red berry lights - also not the originals. This afternoon we'll be putting out the multi-coloured flashing ones around the porch. These are new LED ones but I can't remember why. It's not because they were destroyed. They're nowhere near as good as the original ones with real bulbs. I like LEDs in their place but fairy lights are not their place. Luckily, we've still got an original set (they're older than me; my parents bought them when they were first married 28 years ago, or maybe before they got married. I genuinely have no idea whether or not they lived together before they were married). These original ones are now taped up inside the dining room window. I love Christmas lights. I love lights in the dark in general. That's why I don't mind in the least that it's pitch black when I come out of work at 5pm and I'm not backing this "Mess around with our clocks!" thing that's suddenly appeared this year. How many years has everyone been fine with it? Why is it suddenly this year that it's a big deal that we must consider changing the system? I like the system.

I'm wearing a navy blue and dark grey striped thermal top today. It's for men but I like it. I've got a ladies' one, in thin pink/purple/grey/black stripes and I like it but my manly one is longer, the sleeves are longer and it feels sort of slinky. I like the way it looks on me. Men's clothes are so much better than women's. Give me a manly t-shirt over a girly top and work boots over heels any day.
phantym_56: (ed - pretty hair)

Yes, I'm feeling chatty tonight. I've written another letter to Silver and I'm much happier with this one. It's not so preoccupied with the asexuality thing, the handwriting is actually pretty legible (most importantly, the line "I'm very attached to you" is very clearly attached rather than possibly attracted) and I intend to actually send this one, along with a box of stuff. It occurred to me to search the internet and I now have a list of things that could be sent, including stuff I'd never have thought of like socks, eye drops and batteries.

I'm still sitting on my bed with my blankets and my radiator. The hot chocolate's long gone and although I'd love another cup, two big cups of milk would not agree with my system so I'll resist.
I'm listening to music, which I do very rarely. I'm warm, lazy and beginning to feel the first signs of sleepiness that come with a pleasant quiet evening relaxing.
Contemplating getting a book down..
Also enjoying not feeling guilty that I'm not working with Alex and Joey, for the first time in a month.
This weekend I'm going to go shopping, maybe go to the NaNo TGIO party as a proud failure who has written 30% of a second book, which I wouldn't otherwise have done (The Sequel should, by the end of March, be about 100,000 words and maybe by this time next year I'll have an idea of how the plot goes).
In two weeks I'm going to Godless Christmas and I'm going to see lots of lovely, clever, funny, articulate people, in three weeks I'm going to spend a day drifting around a spa and be put to sleep with a lot of coconut oil and next week I'm going on a boat to France with my work friends, providing one of them hasn't got/has recovered from E coli. Don't eat burgers from a van, people.
It might snow soon which would be lovely. I like winter. Am I the only person who actually quite likes coming out of work into the dark? Apart from the fact that it reminds me of being a student - I had one lecture a week that finished fairly late and got used to coming out onto campus in the dark, I also like the way lights look so bright. Traffic lights, car lights, streetlights - they're so bright and pretty. I hate being cold but if I've got adequate clothing on, I like winter more than summer. I don't tend to go nearly as droopy in the winter. I like winter, I like chilliness, I like snuggling up in the warm, I like the dark, I like pretty lights. I'm so a winter person.


phantym_56: (ed - lawnmower)
Five and a half weeks on and I'm still prone to the occasional fit of coughing under the right circumstances. Also had a headache the size of the Albert Hall for half this afternoon. I don't know how much any of this is related to the fact that I haven't slept well for the last two nights. Last night was at least the peaceful kind of insomnia where I was only half aware that I was still awake and didn't really care as long as I was warm and comfortable but the night before was horrendous. I don't say all this because I'm feeling whiny. It's just an observation since I've just had another attack of coughing. Idle interest, you might say.

It's been nice and warm in the office today. The main office is always freezing in winter, not enough radiators, so the Newest of New Boys went and turned the heating up to 25. Boss's Feisty Mother doesn't know it was him but it's meant we've actually felt ok for the first time since it got chilly. Tomorrow it can snow to its heart's content. Then we can come home early and I won't have to worry about going out in the snow. I will also check my tyre size and order snowchains. I meant to do it back in June/July (being cunning and thinking of being clever) but of course, put it off for so long it's now snowing and I haven't done it.

Tonight when I get back, or more likely tomorrow, I want to rewrite that letter to Silver. It's not right. It needs the emphasis shifting a little. I consider the one already sealed in an envelope to be a first draft. May also collect up some stuff, put it in a box and send it to him. Does anyone know if there's anything in particular a soldier might appreciate? My experience of Christmas boxes is for orphans in Romania and things like that but I'm not sure Silver would be so appreciative of a toothbrush and some soap etc. Polos, definitely. I don't know if he even remembers but they used to be a bit of an in-joke between us. Some nibbly bits, I guess. Reasonably long shelf-life, not too melty, not too big or heavy... any suggestions?
phantym_56: (ed - this big!)
Today I wore: my brown glasses, as I do most days. My red and orange glass heart necklace. Black long-sleeved top under a slightly itchy grey wool dress. Jeans. Socks that don't match. Grey knitted boots under the jeans. And my watch, big chunky silver man's watch with a black face. Enough links removed to make it fit a skinny little girly wrist.

I got changed for Brownies. Replaced the grey wool dress for my navy polo shirt and my navy jumper - not the hoodie, the jumper with the blue collar. Girlguiding Adult uniform. Same jeans and boots and the black top underneath.

Now I'm in the clothes I intend to sleep in. Red and orange t-shirt that got munched by the washing machine the first time it ever went in there and is by this point not really fit to be seen in public. Really loose and sort of slinky dark grey trousers, bit long, tend to fall down if I'm not careful with them. My watch is off because I'm typing and it clanks on my laptop (I generally sleep in it) and I haven't yet taken off my necklace. Socks still on because they ward off feet-twitchiness which keeps me awake. I know people don't like socks in bed but they're a sleep aid for me.

There we go. A really mundane question but a nice easy one for when I'm tired. I can't remember whether I whined here or not but I had horrible insomnia last night - I can tell it's bad when I realise I'm just lying there crying out of exhausted frustration. I'm physically tired because of lack of sleep but I'm also soul-tired because I've spent the day attempting to compose a letter to send to Silver in which I ask him about his war, tell him about my last three months and then simultaneously explain that I'm asexual and apologise for being so difficult with him over the summer. I've spent hours trying to get the wording reasonably ok before writing it out. The result is that my handwriting is appalling, from cold fingers and being nervous and I've spent far more time pleading with him to understand than actually explaining it. I wanted to make it clear I'm not begging him to dump his girlfriend and take me back, it's that I want him to know all these things and why I want him to know and that I need him to know. I'm doing a Jake, when he tells Esther about being an alcoholic. She asks why she needs to know, why he feels the need to make himself accountable to her and he just says "Because I need you to know." I need him to know. The letter is written, addressed and sealed and now I have to gather the courage to actually send it. It's a big deal. Opening up anonymously is a great release but it's very different when it's someone I know so well, particularly when he was the catalyst for me discovering this. So if I post going "Wow, I rule! I posted a letter!", it's not just the act of posting a letter - something I do most days, I'm the office postman - but the act of sending this particular confession to someone particularly special. Wish me luck and courage, internet.
phantym_56: (ed - 6music protest)
Aww, Jesus. I thought I'd got rid of the last lingering effects of this virus nearly a week ago but the cough's flared up again this evening. Good thing I'm out tonight, it'll hopefully take my mind off it and then when I get back I'll have plenty to catch up with on iPlayer. I think I'll quickly do today's meme before I have to run.


And it's a difficult one! Great! I don't know what my definition of love is. No one does, do they? I know it's supposed to be a big deal, that people occasionally freak out if someone tells them they love them. I guess it involves feeling a great deal of affection for someone and a lot of trust and a lot of being completely comfortable with them. I don't think love really involves roses or chocolates or diamonds - I mean, sometimes it does but they're not a necessary part. I would probably go so far as to say that my odd little heart loves Silver. I suppose there should be a certain amount of being able to imagine being around them for a very long time as well, shared interests and passions but also not being completely dependent on each other.

(Can you tell I'm not hugely comfortable with the concept of romantic relationships)

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June 2012

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