phantym_56: (milton jones)
At last. I'm sort of sick of this meme, although to be fair that's generally because I leave it too late in the day to have the energy to think much about it.

So One Last Moment. I don't know what moment to choose. Yes I do.

I was in my second year of university and I was on the first caving trip of the year. One of our freshers had decided he wanted to go with one particular leader and I went along partly because the leader sort of wanted me to and partly because I felt I might be able to do some damage limitation. I loved this leader - he wasn't Magpie but he was his best friend - but he was crazy.

Anyway, despite the misgivings of the trip leader, the three of us went off to a cave. It was a good trip, despite us going the wrong way. At one point, the leader scrambled down a cliff face to check we were in the right place and left me and the fresher at the top. We were both lying in cold, damp rocky tubes, lights out (a long-held habit I can't kick), in complete silence - except for the sound of the harmonica that this fresher had wrapped in a hanky and tucked into his caving suit.

It may not sound like it but it was beautiful.
phantym_56: (bryan - jake)
This is a hard one. What do I aspire to be or to do? Not a lot. I take things as they come. I'm not one for the forward planning, the hopes and dreams. I live my life on impulse. At the moment, anyway. Should probably make plans: plans for a better-paid job, plans for a home of my own and an ability to pay the bills at the same time as being impulsive sometimes, plans for a pension (get nagged about this one fairly regularly). But at the moment, the impulsive thing is working for me.

Total cop-out of an answer, I know, but I'm completely shattered. I slept for three hours this afternoon/evening. Meant to just warm up a bit after getting frozen half to death sledging out on the hills but it seems I also tired myself out doing it, hence the need for lots of sleep and now I'm headachey-tired and need to go to bed. I feel a bit guilty for every single day going "I'm tired!" but I do tend to leave meme-answering until it's late and tiredness happens at the end of the day. I should post earlier while I've still got my energy.

Goodnight. Falling asleep at the computer.
phantym_56: (bryan - kursk)
Easy. Silver and Magpie. Magpie because he was my guardian angel and he's disappeared off the face of the Earth. No answer to texts or emails and although I've still got him on Facebook he doesn't seem to use it anymore. Silver because... well, I'm hugely attached to him and girlfriend or no, we nearly had something and it feels like massive unfinished business.

That's not great detail. On the whole, over this tedious meme, I've not been brilliant at "in great detail". And besides, I've talked at length about both of these boys so there's not a lot to be said here. And I'm really tired. Probably went to bed later than I should have been last night, was certainly woken too early this morning. And the night before, although I slept I also went to bed too late and got up too early and woke up briefly in the night as well. That'll be why I'm tired. I don't like being tired. It makes me feel miserable and occasionally also manages to make me feel lonely. On nights like this when I'm especially tired, I start wishing I had a lovely boyfriend who'll wrap his arms around me and murmur soothing things until I fall asleep on him. But when it gets to the part where he gets me settled into bed, he disappears from the mental picture because if there's one thing I know it's that I can't sleep with someone else so close. I'm incredibly fidgety and someone else's presence makes me very conscious of my fidgeting and then I feel like I can't fling arms and legs out and it sounds like I'm breathing too loudly and... just no. And while I have no objection to cuddling sleepily in bed, if I need to actually sleep then Imaginary Boyfriend has to go.

However (cheer up child!), I'm not lonely tonight. I'm only ever lonely if I get a message saying I can't see/go out with my friends after all. And I haven't had one of them in a while. I am one of nature's loners and while I know it seems odd to people who aren't like me, I find my life runs much more smoothly and much less stressfully on my own. (Been reading AVEN forum thread on this subject tonight; am feeling vindicated in there being nothing wrong with me preferring not to be around other people)

Should stop rambling and go to bed. Rambling is frequently a symptom of being tired.
phantym_56: (nick doody)
No idea.

The obvious one is "home" but I have vague ambitions of departing this place one day, even though it's so good for comedy. Yeah, that seems to be my one and only reason to stay.

I'm very fond of Switzerland and I'm very fond of the city where I used to live but I'm equally fond of a great many other places so that's no use.

I like London a lot but I don't know that it's my favourite place.

Fine. I'll be predictable. My favourite place in the world is in a tube barely any larger than my body, somewhere down the bottom of a hole in the ground. They're surprisingly comfortable, both physically (wet rock is a lovely place to lie) and mentally (lying in a tunnel in the dark is very soothing and very enjoyable).
phantym_56: (ed - graham norton)

An easy one

Vomit Just gets the edge over tuna because it's more disruptive to my life
TunaI hate it.
Strong windsMy head knows the wind in southern UK won't blow my house down but my heart refuses to believe it.
Heights I'm fine as long as I know I can't fall though, so I have no problem hanging from a rope on a clifftop.
Saying "bless you" out loud when people sneeze I don't even know why.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

phantym_56: (ed - different class)

This goes into two categories, Physically Better and Emotionally/Mentally Better.

Physically, despite my habit of leaving them as a very very last resort, painkillers tend to help although they work best if taken early.

Emotionally/mentally, distraction is about the only thing. Being hugged and people being nice to me when I'm upset are likely to make it worse. Magpie has the handling of this absolutely perfect - he treats me normally without mentioning whatever's upsetting me but with a hint of sympathy in his eyes.

Both respond best to a blanket and warmth, really.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

phantym_56: (nick doody)
Right now, what upsets me is this:

Old Rope Monday - @andrewismaxwell Milton Jones @RobinInce @NickDoody etc

From Twitter.

Nick Doody and Milton Jones are in my Top Four comedians and Andrew Maxwell is easily in my Top Ten and I want to go so much and I can't! It starts at 7.30 and I know from experience that it's not possible to get to central London by 7.30 if I leave work at 5.00pm and I have no more holiday time. Some bastard has gone "Who are Phantym's favourite comedians? Let's sprinkle them all over a show she can't go to!! Mwahahaha!!"

So that's what upsets me today. Bastards!

Oh well. Sometimes Lady Luck shines down with her golden light of fortune - sometimes Fate needs a helping hand. As it happens, Nick Doody will be at Godless Christmas on Wednesday. I must just shrug and say I saw Andrew Maxwell four times at Altitude and once more at his own tour a week later so don't go getting upset that you'll miss him on Monday and that I'll see Milton Jones one day when the time is right. Serene... (Nothing against Robin Ince, I'll see him on Wednesday but he isn't in my Top Ten.)

Shall I do my Top Ten? I muse on my Top Four occasionally because I genuinely don't know what order to put them all in but I don't tend to think beyond that.

My Top Ten Comedians. Or Top Seven plus eight Honourable Mentions )
Snowchains for feet. I have made a second one so I don't have to hop )
Going out dressed oddly and jewellery )
I should go to bed. I'm a little tired. Quite tired, actually. Slept really well the last two nights. Further evidence that my cold is a nice ordinary one - after one day, I was pretty much better, my nose is behaving itself reasonably well already and by Monday I should have forgotten I ever had it. Hello wonderful immune system, I've missed you! *hugs immune system*
phantym_56: (bryan - kursk)
Today's Moment is one that I considered last time the prompt was "a moment."

I've mentioned my friend Magpie. I was in love with him for a few years but ultimately, his place in my life was as mentor, hero and guardian angel. He was the first friend I had who was significantly older than me - by a massive gap of four and a half years - and he was very good to me. He taught me a lot, he respected me, he stood up for me and he's the only person who's ever made a dietary suggestion and I've gone along with it which is in itself a massive thing.

This particular moment happened fairly early on in our acquaintance. It was a Thursday evening which was club night, we'd gone to the usual bar, along with several others, as usual and we were sitting in our usual seat. It's a student bar in one of the colleges, it was a dark corner where you sit on padded velvet bench-things or metal patio chairs. There was always karaoke going on. I say "in our usual seat". Actually, we usually sat just outside the door where we could hear each other speak and where no one looked at us for being weird if we happened to pull out a map the size of three tables. Back then, there were only five of us, I think. Five regulars. The other four were all boys, all tall, all experienced and me, this blonde-haired skinny little girl half their height.

Anyway, one evening, the other three weren't there. Maybe they were at the bar, maybe me and Magpie had arrived early, maybe the others had already gone. I don't know. I don't have any recollection of any of it except him saying something to me - I don't remember what - and me staring at him, trying to decided what to say. Staring at him for far too long. Not long enough for it to get awkward, just long enough for him to suddenly draw back, looking a little startled and go "God, how are you doing that? It's like you're looking into my soul!"

So that was my Moment. The moment I looked into Magpie's soul.

(I have a link in my sidebar of "Cast and characters in Phantym's life". It's to remind me what everyone's codenames are. I really should dust it off and made it public so you can see who all these people are)

22:55 - I've just found my diary from my first year of uni. It's fun to read. My handwriting is pretty legible and by the age of eighteen, I was thinking the way I do now and writing just as I would now - unlike my diary from school which I've also been reading. Not reading, actually. Flicking through and cringing. But the uni diary is proving quite an entertaining and interesting document of my early experiences with The Club.

This is my entry on the Moment above:

Thursday 8th January 2004
11:52 pm - Almost tomorrow but not quite! I've just spent 3 hours in the [...] Bar - the same surreal experiene, dim red lights, karaoke, schoolgirl outfits and us sitting in a corner talking about ropes, rocks and minibuses. And as per usual when everyone except me, Magpie and Pieboy have gone, we get back to the alpha male headbutting again. All 3 of them are too stubborn/possessive/strong-minded/weak/whatever to relinquish control and I'm a witness to a lot of it.
While I remember, me and Magpie shared a lovely moment. He said something, I think it was about having a chip on his shoulder and because I had no response to that, I just looked at him and it struck me how black and pupiless his eyes were. But it unsettled him. "What?" "Nothing." "You were looking at me in that way - that penetrating stare - it was as if you were looking into my soul. What's she thinking?!"
It would be nice if I could see into his soul - he's one of the good guys at heart...

Ok, some of that doesn't make sense. "The same surreal experience"? "Weak"? The 3, by the way, isn't a mistake. The three refer to Magpie, Pieboy and Moon. That Moon wasn't there just then is irrelevant. A lot of my diary is musing on the complex relationship those three have. I've also realised that my diary is a 5 year diary. That's why it has five sections marked off down each page with Year: at the start of each. I just use it as lined pages. The pages are slightly falling out. The first entry in that diary is dated 16th October 1999 but my use of it is somewhat sporadic which is why it lasted so long. I can't get over how easy my handwriting is to read, especially compared to my older diary which chronicles the misery of Year 8. A bad year and yet quite the landmark in my life because Year 8 was when everything turned around.
I bought a new diary a few months back and it's only got one entry in it, dated around September. I vow to pick it up and write in it more often.

Anyway, I should go to bed. Shopping, metalwork and lunch with my grandad who'll be 87 on Sunday await tomorrow.
phantym_56: (maxwell - dark lord)
Can't do great detail. There's only been nine days of it. It's been cold, it's snowed, I've made snow chains for my boots and apart from that, not done a lot. Soon it will be Christmas and I haven't finished shopping yet. One parcel seems to have gone missing in the post. Godless Christmas next week, spa day the week after. Maybe seeing Jess & Annie the week after. I don't have any enthusiasm for writing about "this month".

I'm sorry I've been miserable again the last couple of days. Life. People. This is a war and every day is a battle and I can't win every battle. Sometimes maybe I'll be sad, sometimes I'll be frustrated, sometimes I'll be upset. I've lost a couple of battles this week but I still think I'm winning the war.

I didn't sleep well last night. I've spent most of the last week working on the profit & loss account at work and every time I closed my eyes, I just saw my bed as a series of twelve boxes and I didn't know what numbers to put in them. Then I'd open my eyes and tell myself my bed is my bed, it's just one thing and it's right here but... eyes closed, back come the boxes. The surrealness of it stopped me getting too upset with it. Imagining some loving boyfriend making me warm and comfortable and giving me drinks and rubbing away my headache was nice but if anything, made it harder to get to sleep. (I have a cold. Just a lovely ordinary one with a bit of added headachiness for the fun of it, nothing like the flu bug from hell I had in October. No sneezing or coughing, just a misbehaving nose and mild lingering headaches. It's so nice to be back to ordinary non-miserable illness!)

Another thing that made me happy today was my boss. I generally give the impression that I hate him. I'm not keen on him; he's capricious and unpredictable and frequently moody but quite often he's in a good mood and sometimes he's just weird. We've got a water machine which used to be up in the main office but on his orders was moved yesterday to reception (Stupid place to put it. Walk all the way to the front door for a cup of water?!). It's just a stand that holds up a massive 9l bottle of water and you can have it room temperature or icy-cold. Anyway, he was talking to his Feisty Mother on the phone last night. Conversation went as so:

Boss: I'm a bit worried about where you've put the water machine.
Mother: [Boss], I didn't put it there. It was your orders to move it.
Boss: Well, I'm a bit worried about where it is. People might pee in the bottles.

...I don't even know. Have I mentioned that he's weird?

This is my elephant table, by the way. He's cracked on the tabletop and on one of his ears but he's still adorable. Even Mum likes him; says the cracks add to his character. There were half a dozen elephant tables but I fell in love with the cracked one. He's going in my house one day. I was going to make a winter project of him, try to repair the cracks, clean him up etc but I'm not going to. He's cute enough how he is.

My elephant table )Isn't he cuuuuute?

Now the pressure's off, I'm going to start playing with Alex and Joey again. I want 100,000 words of serviceable Draft Zero of The Sequel by the end of March and as of the end of NaNoWriMo I had just under 31,000. I'm very fond of my boys.

I've got the house to myself for a few hours tonight so I've got a blanket and some cheesy biscuits and I'm watching Zemanovaload, which I haven't seen for far too long. I like it. It's a good-hearted film and I genuinely can't decide whether my favourite thing about it is Ed Byrne, all short spiky hair and dark eyes and shirts over bright-coloured t-shirts, or the soundtrack. I may picspam this film at some point.

For now, I'm warm and sniffly and contented. I think I'm winning today.
phantym_56: (ed - theoretically)
This one's easy. There's one thing that really stands out in my memory. When I was fifteen or so, I answered my sister's phone while she was out. Her best friend on the other end asked to speak to her and said she'd called about three times. Joking, I said "Oh, she doesn't want to be friends with you any more!" Said best friend took me seriously. Chaos ensued. It was awful. I like to think that had it happened the other way around, my friends wouldn't have been stupid enough to actually pay attention to what my sister said. Anyway, this "best friend" later turned out to be a bullying little shite so it was for the best, but still...

Continuing on yesterday's theme...

When I started at my job, there were four of us French-speakers. We had to coordinate our lunchbreaks and we were the only ones who worked until 5 so there was quite the bond between the four of us. One left last Christmas and a new one joined the previous July (Daisy). This July, Curly Colleague started, three weeks later Mandy left. Mandy my Brown Owl. She only works just up the road, so French Colleague, Daisy and Curly Colleague went and had lunch with her a while back. I was a little miffed at being left out, but it's well known that I don't eat, I see Mandy once a week anyway and someone needed to stay to answer the phones in case any French customers called.

Last week, French Colleague suggested the five of us should get together one lunchtime before Christmas. She invited me. I beamed. I came back from my lunchbreak today to find a four-way Skype conversation on my screen discussing when this lunch should be, narrowed it down according to when Daisy and Curly are in (they've left their holiday hours until the last minute and are out most of the next two weeks). They found a day when we're all in and then French Colleague ended the conversation with "So if [Phantym] doesn't mind staying in the office to answer the phone, we can all do the 22nd."

Oh thanks.
phantym_56: (russ/charley)
This is a sore spot today of all days. Let me start from the beginning.

My 21st was good. I jumped off a mountain strapped to a lovely lad.

But I'm choosing my 14th simply because it was the last time I had a birthday. When I was eleven and a bit, I moved to a new town 10-15 miles away from my old home. I stayed at the same school, I stayed at the same Guides, I kept the same friends. But these friends were of a tribe who believed 10-15 miles was an epic distance. I kid you not, I can count on my fingers the number of times friends have come to this house in the last fourteen years. I rarely if ever saw my friends during the summer holidays; they couldn't travel that sort of distance. Yes, I'm still incredibly bitter about this. It's a given that I'll drive it to see them but the other way around? Nothing doing.

My birthday is during the summer holidays. It was such an undertaking that past fourteen, I didn't really bother. But for my fourteenth, I had a bouncy castle in the back garden and jelly and ice cream and all that. Childish, but that was the point. Everyone enjoyed it. It was a good party, it was a good birthday. A couple of bouncy castle-induced back injuries but that was fine. No one died and several friends made the Epic Journey.

The reason this is such a sore spot today is that I was supposed to be going on a day trip to France with a couple of girls from the office at the weekend and this afternoon they offered me chocolate as a consolation prize for neither of them being able to go. So many friends rejected me during May-July that I lost trust in every single person in the world but as of about August, I was regaining faith in them and now all that has been shattered again. I get that they can't go; they've got reasons, it's not their faults. It's just as neat a lesson as you're going to get as to why I live my life so independently without other people. You can't rely on other people. They let you down every single time.
phantym_56: (ed - red & black)
This is another difficult one. How do you pick a favourite memory? I can't do the first one that springs to mind because I'm sworn to secrecy on the whole subject. There is another I could go for but I think it would fit better with the "Another moment" that'll be coming up in the next few days.

Um... the night I spent trying to sleep in Silver's arms back in the summer was nice. Except that I was in the grip of really bad insomnia at the time, and I don't sleep well when there's someone else that close, and I couldn't stop fidgeting, and the moment I sort of started drifting off, he woke up and started whispering again. Maybe the bit where we were lying in a bundle of damp limbs and cold feet in front of the TV downstairs.... except that wasn't very comfortable either. But after years of being in love with him, to finally have the chance to be all cosy-domestic with him was lovely.
phantym_56: (maxwell - snowboarding)
Right. I was... fifteen, I think. It was February or March. I'd acquired a boyfriend by accident (a Valentine's card sent four years earlier had triggered some overexcited texting, finishing with "Will you be my girlfriend (and don't tell [Jess]!)") and sweet as he was, he wasn't boyfriend material at the time, I wasn't girlfriend material and it was a mess waiting to happen. I was stuck with that from February 7th to the night before we went on our GCSE study leave in about May/June before I summoned the courage to dump him. By text. Even at the time, I knew that wasn't really the done thing but I felt since it had started with a text, it wasn't so unreasonable to end it with a text. Anyway, I'd gone to his house one Saturday afternoon and he'd played some Playstation game while I sat and watched. I am as incapable of playing video games as I am of walking on the surface of the sun. Many people assert their authority over me by humiliating me at video games. We were sitting on the floor, against his bed when he turned to me and I knew what was going to happen. I turned my head away and he kissed my ear. Then he giggled softly and said "Let's try that again," turned my head and kissed me. I wasn't keen. I seem to remember that afternoon, tying him up with a dressing gown cord in an attempt to get him to leave me alone but hadn't realised at that age that tying your boyfriend up doesn't generally signify that you don't want him.

In fact, while I'm talking about kissing, I'm not a huge fan. I've been kissed by *counts on fingers* six people? This first boyfriend of mine, Silver, some guy from the opposite court when I was at uni, Moon from the club and Tank. Five people. At the Freshers Ball in my first week of uni, our house pretty much paired off with the people from No 21. He didn't have anyone and neither did I so we ended up with each other by default. That is not grounds to take him back to my room, or indeed to be taken back to his, afterwwards. My main memory of that night is losing my bracelet, finding my bracelet, walking back barefoot across acorns with him making us stop every three steps so he could kiss me again, me thinking "This fucking hurts, I want to go home, get off me!" (hurts = the acorns rather than the kissing) and then "How do I get rid of him?!" once we got back to the court. Moon from the club - another accidental relationship. Didn't go well. I never intended to end up with him. And I think I talked about Tank here, back in September.

What I know is that I've been kissed by Silver enough times and seen him kiss other people on the same night - Summer Ball, New Year's Eve etc etc - that I've lost any sense of kissing being special. I quite like it when he's been drinking too much beer because it makes him taste really sweet but no, on the whole it doesn't do anything for me.

That's detail. I've failed at "detail" on most of the other questions but I think that's even too much detail.

Today I've helped put the Christmas lights out on the hedge. We've got flashing blue-white ones - we used to have white icicle lights but they got destroyed a couple of years ago so now we have a plain string of white LED ones which we just drape. We also have red berry lights - also not the originals. This afternoon we'll be putting out the multi-coloured flashing ones around the porch. These are new LED ones but I can't remember why. It's not because they were destroyed. They're nowhere near as good as the original ones with real bulbs. I like LEDs in their place but fairy lights are not their place. Luckily, we've still got an original set (they're older than me; my parents bought them when they were first married 28 years ago, or maybe before they got married. I genuinely have no idea whether or not they lived together before they were married). These original ones are now taped up inside the dining room window. I love Christmas lights. I love lights in the dark in general. That's why I don't mind in the least that it's pitch black when I come out of work at 5pm and I'm not backing this "Mess around with our clocks!" thing that's suddenly appeared this year. How many years has everyone been fine with it? Why is it suddenly this year that it's a big deal that we must consider changing the system? I like the system.

I'm wearing a navy blue and dark grey striped thermal top today. It's for men but I like it. I've got a ladies' one, in thin pink/purple/grey/black stripes and I like it but my manly one is longer, the sleeves are longer and it feels sort of slinky. I like the way it looks on me. Men's clothes are so much better than women's. Give me a manly t-shirt over a girly top and work boots over heels any day.
phantym_56: (lom - dreams)
Can't answer. Literal dreams, I rarely have them. Or if I do, I can't remember them. They do happen from time to time and they tend to happen several nights in a row which is exhausting but then nothing for months. If you're that interested, I believe I occasionally note them down here under my dreams tag.

Dreams as in things you'd like to happen to you in the future. My future plans are somewhat hazy. A house of my own, with as many bedrooms as possible, lots of books and a world map and eccentric furniture and maybe a cageful of degus. That's within the realms of possibility; only limited by availability of funds. A very patient and understanding husband has a certain appeal but so does being completely independent, not having to look after and be looked after by another person; not have to be accountable to each other, you know, all that. I suppose I might say that I wouldn't mind having a person in my life but I don't want to have to share my life with him. That one's not so likely. The chances of me coming across someone like that is tiny. That doesn't really bother me. It's not a "dream" per se. Other than that, I'd just like to go to New Zealand. Another funding one. I like to keep my so-called dreams within the possible.

Anyway, so. Today I have done some shopping. Mostly for myself but I've got some stuff for my mate Silver. For me I've got a couple of warm fleecy jumpers, a stripy thermal top, a book, some rings and a velvet skirt which isn't as mini as it looks on the hanger. No idea what I'll wear it with. For Silvery, I've got a book, some assorted sweets - if he doesn't want to eat them himself, he knows how much it makes people love him to feed them sweets - cotton wool and baby wipes and eyedrops and socks - the internet says soldiers love this kind of thing and I'd rather send something useful that he'll appreciate than something daft that just takes up space. I've also got a spare Dara DVD that I'll put in - I bought it last year and asked for the other one for Christmas. Mum managed to buy the same one again and I've spent nearly a year wondering what to do with the spare one. And the important bit, the letter. Apparently he won't get it by Christmas but never mind. A message is a message.

And finally, actual Christmas presents. I bought a present for Jess's not-quite-one-year-old son. I promised her two-year-old daughter some curved pieces of wooden railway track but our local toyshops don't have any. I know what I'm getting for Annie but no idea about Jess. Her kids are far easier than she is. And my sister. No idea.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - shower)
Hasn't there already been a "what you wore today" one?

Well, today I wore:
Orange socks
Blue long-sleeved thermal top
Black long-sleeved top
Most of the day I also had my brown skiing jumper on (I didn't buy it for skiing, I bought it because it looked incredibly cosy; that it was clearly meant for skiing was only pointed out to me a week or two ago)
Accessories-wise: Just my watch - big chunky silver thing with a black face. I completely forgot to put on my two necklaces. But normally, I wear a silver dragon which has lived around my neck for nigh-on ten years and a "chunk of something green" on a cord.
When I was walking to work, I wore my snowboarding socks over my normal orange ones, my wellies, my fluffy coat, my red-and-black long-tailed stripy hat, my gloves and my sunglasses. While I was actually at work, I was wearing slippers - they're like fluffy socks, velcro on the sides and a suede sole. Like this but in chocolate-brown and with a smooth non-dotty sole.
Now I'm wearing a mint-green star-patterned all-in-one fleece babygro thing. It's cosy and warm and handy for sitting around on a chilly evening.
phantym_56: (ed - model)
This week has been long enough that I can hardly remember the beginning of it. I did Brownies single-handed on Monday and it went well. Had an accounts meeting with the bosses and the Chief Accountant on Tuesday. Went to the comedy. Yesterday... can't remember. Came home and was lazy and contented. Today it has snowed, I walked to work, made a snowman in my lunch break and was grumpy about the fact that Mum and Sister were both home and I wasn't.
It's been a nothingy sort of week. I haven't been sleeping so well this week - horrible insomnia the other night and even on good nights I keep waking up because the lovely lovely blankets aren't warm enough.
I've spent a lot of this week thinking about/writing to Silver, who I miss. Figuring out how I work. Bit of a crash-course in self-discovery.

That's not great detail. I'm really tired, I can hardly think right now.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - win)
Two massive snuggly blankets, one mug of proper milky hot chocolate, a laptop and not having to go out in the cold. Winter bliss.

May as well do the meme. To be honest, I wish I hadn't started this.

Day 12 - What's In Your Bag, in great detail )

phantym_56: (ed - ed & dara)
I have one sister. She's nearly three years younger than me and about six inches taller. Until fifteen months ago she was literally twice the size of me and I'm quite resentful that after much dieting, she's now skinner than me. Not skinny enough to look good in jeggings though. Ick. (she likes skin-tight stuff. It's a little less horrifying than it used to be) She's obsessed with shoes, likes chick flicks and Johnny Depp and spends longer than is reasonable in the shower and straightening her hair. In short, she's pretty much the polar opposite of me. We Don't Get On. It's better now than it used to be, now it's a sort of uneasy truce rather than all-out war. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other. I won't try to make you believe it's all her fault. Although she can still get away with murder by the method of being 1) younger than me and therefore wields a special power and 2) bigger than me and therefore you know, more powerful. It's win-win.
She takes after Mum's side of the family. Mum, her mum, her mum's sister and her cousin are all pretty much identical and Sister is the next in the pattern. (I didn't inherit that particular set of genes. I'm vaguely like Dad but that side of the family doesn't have the identical thing going on). She has a boyfriend, long-term (he's pretty useless, hence my codename for him here: Useless Boyfriend) who she's always said "No, I'm probably not going to marry him" but this weekend said "Well, I have been dropping hints." She has a degree in Music and Music Technology and plays saxophone and flute to Grade 8 standard and also plays piccolo, tenor sax and soprano sax. To my relief, she's not good at singing. She does much the same job as me - office junior, typing, filing, tea-making, whatever she's told to do but she does it nearly thirty miles away and therefore has a long drive. Mwahahahaha from older sister who only has to nip up the road.
That's about it really. I'm sure there's plenty more to her but I don't know it any more than she knows all that much about me. We're not caring-sharing.
phantym_56: (ed - this big!)
Today I wore: my brown glasses, as I do most days. My red and orange glass heart necklace. Black long-sleeved top under a slightly itchy grey wool dress. Jeans. Socks that don't match. Grey knitted boots under the jeans. And my watch, big chunky silver man's watch with a black face. Enough links removed to make it fit a skinny little girly wrist.

I got changed for Brownies. Replaced the grey wool dress for my navy polo shirt and my navy jumper - not the hoodie, the jumper with the blue collar. Girlguiding Adult uniform. Same jeans and boots and the black top underneath.

Now I'm in the clothes I intend to sleep in. Red and orange t-shirt that got munched by the washing machine the first time it ever went in there and is by this point not really fit to be seen in public. Really loose and sort of slinky dark grey trousers, bit long, tend to fall down if I'm not careful with them. My watch is off because I'm typing and it clanks on my laptop (I generally sleep in it) and I haven't yet taken off my necklace. Socks still on because they ward off feet-twitchiness which keeps me awake. I know people don't like socks in bed but they're a sleep aid for me.

There we go. A really mundane question but a nice easy one for when I'm tired. I can't remember whether I whined here or not but I had horrible insomnia last night - I can tell it's bad when I realise I'm just lying there crying out of exhausted frustration. I'm physically tired because of lack of sleep but I'm also soul-tired because I've spent the day attempting to compose a letter to send to Silver in which I ask him about his war, tell him about my last three months and then simultaneously explain that I'm asexual and apologise for being so difficult with him over the summer. I've spent hours trying to get the wording reasonably ok before writing it out. The result is that my handwriting is appalling, from cold fingers and being nervous and I've spent far more time pleading with him to understand than actually explaining it. I wanted to make it clear I'm not begging him to dump his girlfriend and take me back, it's that I want him to know all these things and why I want him to know and that I need him to know. I'm doing a Jake, when he tells Esther about being an alcoholic. She asks why she needs to know, why he feels the need to make himself accountable to her and he just says "Because I need you to know." I need him to know. The letter is written, addressed and sealed and now I have to gather the courage to actually send it. It's a big deal. Opening up anonymously is a great release but it's very different when it's someone I know so well, particularly when he was the catalyst for me discovering this. So if I post going "Wow, I rule! I posted a letter!", it's not just the act of posting a letter - something I do most days, I'm the office postman - but the act of sending this particular confession to someone particularly special. Wish me luck and courage, internet.
phantym_56: (ed - monochrome)
I was intending to wilfully misunderstand this one but I'm not going to now. The question means religious beliefs, doesn't it?

A slightly rambling and uncertain attempt to get my beliefs down in black and white )


phantym_56: (Default)

June 2012

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