(no subject)

I know I said I wouldn't but I didn't have fucking insomnia at the time!!!

Excuse me. It's nearly rwo in the morning. I can't sleep. I've tossed and turned and fidgeted and put socks on and I'm still wide awake four hours after I went to bed. Fuck the "don't panic" rule; I can't stay calm when I'm this tired and this frustrated and this fucking itchy! At this point, I'm all but sobbing out loud. I've got the twitchy sensations in my right arm and I resent it far more there than when it's in my legs and I'd give anything to saw it off right now. I want to go to sleep and I can't and I hate it and I know, I don't deal well with it and I shouldn't get upset. Especially when I've pretty much slept like the dead ever since I've had my blankets. Is this the first time I've had please-kill-me bad insomnia since I bought the blankets? Not counting the nights in Kendal, of course. I have a vague idea it's the second. Two really bad nights in nearly two months isn't so bad. But I still hate it and I'm still going to get upset about it and I'm still going to cry here because I'm really tired and I can't get to sleep.

Day 10 - What You Wore Today, in great detail

Today I wore: my brown glasses, as I do most days. My red and orange glass heart necklace. Black long-sleeved top under a slightly itchy grey wool dress. Jeans. Socks that don't match. Grey knitted boots under the jeans. And my watch, big chunky silver man's watch with a black face. Enough links removed to make it fit a skinny little girly wrist.

I got changed for Brownies. Replaced the grey wool dress for my navy polo shirt and my navy jumper - not the hoodie, the jumper with the blue collar. Girlguiding Adult uniform. Same jeans and boots and the black top underneath.

Now I'm in the clothes I intend to sleep in. Red and orange t-shirt that got munched by the washing machine the first time it ever went in there and is by this point not really fit to be seen in public. Really loose and sort of slinky dark grey trousers, bit long, tend to fall down if I'm not careful with them. My watch is off because I'm typing and it clanks on my laptop (I generally sleep in it) and I haven't yet taken off my necklace. Socks still on because they ward off feet-twitchiness which keeps me awake. I know people don't like socks in bed but they're a sleep aid for me.

There we go. A really mundane question but a nice easy one for when I'm tired. I can't remember whether I whined here or not but I had horrible insomnia last night - I can tell it's bad when I realise I'm just lying there crying out of exhausted frustration. I'm physically tired because of lack of sleep but I'm also soul-tired because I've spent the day attempting to compose a letter to send to Silver in which I ask him about his war, tell him about my last three months and then simultaneously explain that I'm asexual and apologise for being so difficult with him over the summer. I've spent hours trying to get the wording reasonably ok before writing it out. The result is that my handwriting is appalling, from cold fingers and being nervous and I've spent far more time pleading with him to understand than actually explaining it. I wanted to make it clear I'm not begging him to dump his girlfriend and take me back, it's that I want him to know all these things and why I want him to know and that I need him to know. I'm doing a Jake, when he tells Esther about being an alcoholic. She asks why she needs to know, why he feels the need to make himself accountable to her and he just says "Because I need you to know." I need him to know. The letter is written, addressed and sealed and now I have to gather the courage to actually send it. It's a big deal. Opening up anonymously is a great release but it's very different when it's someone I know so well, particularly when he was the catalyst for me discovering this. So if I post going "Wow, I rule! I posted a letter!", it's not just the act of posting a letter - something I do most days, I'm the office postman - but the act of sending this particular confession to someone particularly special. Wish me luck and courage, internet.