The Clockmaker

I thought all this was over but no....

I've had insomnia every night this week. And it's the sort that gives me the itches and the twitches and means I can't even lie there and stare at the ceiling and daydream, except about cutting off my legs. I've always had what I now know is called Restless Leg Syndrome. I also know that my version of it is pretty mild but it's really flared up this week and it's driving me crazy.

It's cold, so I have to sleep with the duvet over me because much as I love them, my blankets aren't quite warm enough and being cold keeps me awake too. Every night, either the laptop or the phone comes out to keep me company until my legs and brain decide they're bored with tormenting me, generally not until gone 3am.

I hate it. Lack of sleep, fairly obviously, makes me tired. Tiredness makes me moody and miserable and throws me into a spiral of self-hate, misery, loneliness and the feeling that I'm a waste of atoms. Sleeping cures the tiredness which makes massive improvements in the misery.

I hate not being able to sleep.

I know I said I wouldn't but I didn't have fucking insomnia at the time!!!

Excuse me. It's nearly rwo in the morning. I can't sleep. I've tossed and turned and fidgeted and put socks on and I'm still wide awake four hours after I went to bed. Fuck the "don't panic" rule; I can't stay calm when I'm this tired and this frustrated and this fucking itchy! At this point, I'm all but sobbing out loud. I've got the twitchy sensations in my right arm and I resent it far more there than when it's in my legs and I'd give anything to saw it off right now. I want to go to sleep and I can't and I hate it and I know, I don't deal well with it and I shouldn't get upset. Especially when I've pretty much slept like the dead ever since I've had my blankets. Is this the first time I've had please-kill-me bad insomnia since I bought the blankets? Not counting the nights in Kendal, of course. I have a vague idea it's the second. Two really bad nights in nearly two months isn't so bad. But I still hate it and I'm still going to get upset about it and I'm still going to cry here because I'm really tired and I can't get to sleep.