phantym_56: (ed - reunited - squash)
Good morning. I'm still half-asleep - been dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn for the last two days which is a great start to a day during this precious precious four day weekend - but I thought I'd better write this down before I forgot.

I had a dream last night, a dream in which Silver and I went out to a village in the middle of nowhere. I can't remember why and I can't remember what we did there. But I remember there was another girl, another of his "girlfriends" (For all I love Silver, and you know I do, he is a self-confessed "slag" and he flirts with... well, anything with a postcode). And I think her car had some problem, so he took her back to the car and I tagged along, all jealous-like and on the way, we bumped into a local couple with a dog and stopped to talk and Silver introduced me as "This is [Phantym], she's generally my husband".

And you know what? I reckon I could live with that. I know one is a male spouse and one is a female spouse but in terms of the role and the responsibilities and the job description, even though it shouldn't, especially in the 21st century, "husband" has a very different ring to "wife". I quite enjoyed being introduced as Silver's husband.
phantym_56: (ed - sleeeepy)

Ohhh... how long does it take for a body to catch up on missed sleep?! Still tiiiiired!

Speaking of things that drag on, how long does it take to import LJ stuff onto Dreamwidth? It's been sitting in the queue since Sunday morning and it's now Wednesday evening! That's slow!

I think I have two things to talk about today. Let's start with food phobia.


Food, food phobia and then Silver pushes in a bit. )

But Silver wasn't my second subject. My second was this song:

Well... I was going to embed a video but it's not on YouTube. Have the lyrics instead. The song is bouncy London-accented boyband and it just radiates summer.


Dive In, by the Yeah You's. Who I like despite the inappropriate apostrophe )

It's not quite the end but there's nothing new. This is one of my favourite songs ever and yes, I'm aware that my inner music snob should be ashamed. Luckily, I don't have one.

So, the chorus. Honestly, their accent and pronunciation - I know what it says the words are inside the cover but they sing "don't go thinking you've gotta go under the waves". You don't have to do this. Every time I hear this, and I mean every time, I'm taken back to a cave called Swildon's Hole, in Somerset. It's a lovely cave, it goes on for hours, there's literally something for everyone there. It's a brilliant cave.
The classic trip is down to Sump 1, through and then back up, at least for beginners. The sump is a section of flooded passage. It's less than a metre long. You can put your foot through and it comes up into fresh air on the other side. Every fresher that ever went through my club lay in the water, took a deep breath and pulled themself through this thing. Except me. It petrifies me. It's icy cold, it's brown and murky and full of grit, it's flat on your back with your head turned to the side. I know the reality is that I'd be underwater for all of five seconds but I can't do it. Call it a phobia if you must.


Caves, caving and my bond with my mate Magpie who was such a guardian angel/hero to me )

The second thing that song makes me think of is the second verse:

One day, it barely took a second
You grew up, the big world beckoned and you dived right in

I graduated, I got a job and suddenly - there's a world out there. I've got money now, I've got access to it. I took up snowboarding, I wrote a book, I flew off to Finland, Romania, the French Alps, Lithuania, Norway etc. I dived right in. I have bad days from time to time - rarer than it used to be, but generally I love this world and this life of mine. It would be nice if my friends would play in it occasionally but I'd rather play on my own than sit with my nose against the window looking out at it passing me by. I don't think that's a bad attitude to have to a fairly lonely life.

So umm.... that's what that song means to me. As if anyone actually cared.

This entry was originally posted at There are comment count unavailable comments there. I prefer Livejournal but feel free to comment at Dreamwidth if you like.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - hug)
I'm not feeling so brilliant this evening. I'm tired almost to the point of collapse - this, I suspect, is what comes of a fortnight like this:

Brownies - Rangers - get up at 4am and spent 16 hours travelling - two hours time difference - five solid days on my feet, walking until I'm too exhausted to do anything more than collapse each evening, without enough proper food and waking up too early - very late night - two hours time difference - Rangers - snowboarding - two late nights in a row - one early morning - clocks change - Brownies - Rangers.

I am not going snowboarding tomorrow. I need a day off, I need some sleep, I need some time to just not do anything for once. My throat hurts - well, hurts isn't quite the right word. I think the best way to describe it is that I'm constantly aware that I still have tonsils at the moment. I can feel them. Tomorrow I'm likely to wake up with a very runny nose. Hopefully it's just a cold - three days of runny nose and the occasional intense tickle in my throat, then nothing. But I'm uncomfortably aware that this is sort of how my throat felt in October. I'm also aware that hydrocortisone weakens your immune system and that this started two days after I started putting it on my hands.

I texted Silver last week to say now we're back in the same country (he survived Afghanistan! Yay!) we should meet up and I only discovered today that he'd answered. I've been thinking he's ignoring me - wondering what I've done, wondering if maybe he's lost his phone. No. My phone didn't tell me he'd replied. I'd love to text back and arrange to meet up this weekend but I'm not sure if I'm going to be feeling up to it. I think I'd like to spend the entire weekend wrapped in a blanket, sleeping on the sofa. On the other hand, there is a certain appeal in having someone like him around to hug me and talk to me and make me feel better. On the other hand (and I'm too tired to care that that makes three hands) I know that in real life I don't like being around other people when I'm not feeling well. I had some fluey thing in Switzerland five or six years ago and my friend Angie dragged me to her appartement and fed me, which was lovely of her, and made me stay the night and that... was not so lovely. I need to be left in peace to suffer on my own. I'm apparently utterly incapable of coughing in front of other people which can be extremely uncomfortable sometimes, like at work or at your best friend's appartement (we really mangled our pidgin French, hence the use of "appartement" in an otherwise English sentence. We also "ratted" our exams - from the French transitive verb rater, meaning to not pass)

I need to go to bed.
phantym_56: (ed - desert)

Today is a better day than yesterday, for two reasons which probably should't be but are equally important to me.

1) Following Sunday night's epic tooth pain, I woke up yesterday with a horrible miserable ache throughout the entire left side of my head. Never did work out whether it was in my jaw (and therefore caused by toothache), ear (and therefore possibly caused by underwater attempts at earclearing in the pool on Sunday) or in my entire head. The only thing I was sure about was that it wasn't actually in the teeth anymore. But it was horrible and miserable and hurt and I spent the entire day at work wishing I could put my head down on the desk and groan. We have some so-called "drawing" software at work which contains hundreds of ready-made graphic illustrations of everything from dentistry to sales maps and it includes a section on headaches, with pictures of unhappy-looking heads and grey patches showing where the pain typically is. One of them had a sad-looking person with a big grey patch over one eye and I have never ever felt more like a picture summed me up.
I went to Brownies regardless of the pain - they are an excellent distraction, we should bottle them and sell them as a cure-all but when I got home, I just lay down on the floor in front of the fire and slept for an hour and then went to bed early. I did wake up a couple of times in the night, convinced I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning but considering I was asleep at 9, I stayed asleep remarkably well and joy of joys, woke up headache-free this morning.

2) Woke up late this morning, got up late, didn't even venture downstairs until five minutes before I was supposed to leave for work, to find the post had already arrived. There was an odd-looking letter, covered in strange symbols. Addressed in handwriting - this was no bill or junk mail or anything from a bank. And- and that's my name on it, in handwriting that looks like it belongs to a fourteen-year-old boy. And a very familiar surname in the top corner... it's a reply from Silver in Afghanistan! Cue something between squee attack and panic attack. I told him some far more personal things than I usually would in my last letter to him and I was a little bit concerned about how he might respond to them.

He's glad to hear from me, glad we're going to become BFF again since "it would never work out between us" and thanks for the marshmallows. The rest I haven't managed to decipher yet. I have no idea what they've done to the letter but it looks like it's been written and then photocopied onto a piece of card which is folded and sealed so you rip three edges off to open it and it's difficult to read. I am delighted. I have a letter from my mate Silver! We're going to remain friends! I'm going to see him again! Doesn't mean I'm not still hopelessly in love with him but many years ago I resigned myself to the fact that we could never be more than friends and I'm perfectly satisfied with that - for now.

In other news, the land behind our office has been bought. We've known that for some time and we've always known that someone would built on it eventually, thus blocking out the light from the only windows in the room. No one's really been looking forward to that. I don't know if I'm the only stupid one but it hadn't occurred to me that before the light was blocked out, we'd have a few weeks/months of building work. I am pleased. My inner four-year-old (who wanted to be a digger driver) still loves watching heavy construction vehicles digging and doing whatever work they do. I've got a scene from my imaginary future playing out in front of me every day, so I certainly won't be joining the chorus of "Oh no! It's noisy and it's horrible!" Also, because they're digging up damp earth, they're wafting a delicious smell of... well, damp earth across the estate. It smells like a field just after it's rained and that I like also. So I'm perfectly contented with the building works.

In fact, other than the fact that my Dearly Beloved Boss arrived ten minutes before I came home for lunch and is therefore going to be in the office all afternoon, I'm pretty contented with my entire Tuesday.

phantym_56: (ed - reunited - drink)
I am sitting on a radiator eating onion crackers and drinking apple & blackcurrant. I got home from work feeling I could make a bit of a dent in The Sequel's first chapter but within five or ten minutes I realised I was sufficiently dehydrated that I was going to have to abandon the work to find some fluids. I'm normally very good at drinking. In fact, I've realised as I've grown up that either I drink ludicrous amounts or my friends don't drink nearly enough. Squash for fluids, crackers for salt, radiator for warmth and I'm settled for the evening.

I don't know what happened yesterday. I felt groggy and zombified in the morning from lack of sleep but by afternoon, I was actually feeling properly not-very-well, complete with constant shiveriness. I felt pretty ill. Came home from work, fell in the bath and stayed there reading for more than three hours. (Apparently this is not strictly normal either?) and although I didn't sleep brilliantly last night, it at least merited a :| rather than a :( in my diary and I've felt fine all day today.

Seems Silver's coming home in a week/ten days or so. I have very mixed feelings about this. Very. I more or less skipped the hormonal-confusion thing when I was a teenager but it seems I couldn't evade it forever.

I think I shall go back to Alex being hot and cranky in Morocco.
phantym_56: (pints of crazy)
Something occurred to me while I was brushing my teeth this morning and I have no idea why the thought suddenly popped into my head.

My mate Silver (and if I keep up this level of obsession, he's likely to actually break my heart when he gets back) is the John to my Sherlock. I hang around fandomsecrets occasionally, I've seen "You're the X to my Y" and for the first time, I see one that actually fits me.

Silver is out in Afghanistan, not actually fighting on the front line, but still smackbang in the middle of the war. He falls asleep unexpectedly. He likes tea. He has girlfriends. He enjoys dangerous things.
I am not a people-person at all, I'm asexual, I have autistic tendencies, I'm obsessive. I know everything there is to know about certain subjects and am completely blank on most other things. I have my manipulative moments.

I have just discovered something about myself. When I'm as tired as I am now, my ability to keep things in focus close up goes. I'm having immense trouble reading this but if I glance up at my shelves a few feet away, everything looks fine. (I presume this is tiredness rather than needing new glasses...)
phantym_56: (snowboarding heaven)
I should go to bed because it's a little late and I'm about to be tired. I can feel it coming.

I don't know what's going on - I'm enjoying work! Well, not so much that I wouldn't stay home if I had the opportunity but I'm not getting up every day and going "Oh God, I can't face it today!" I'm busy, we've had visitors in all week so I've seen next-to-nothing of anyone with any authority, I've got loads of stuff done.
Driving the company car )
IT vs 71-year-old )
Snowboarding/snowboys )
And it appears, from comments on Facebook, that my mate Silver is coming home from his war earlier than I was expecting. No idea exactly when. I was expecting late March but people keep saying "Not long now!" which seems not quite right when he's still got 2 out of 6 months to go.

The trials and tribulations of needing to buy new shoes )

Aha. Here comes the impending tiredness. Time to brush my teeth and sort out my blankets. They seem to have had a party while I was out today. God knows how they've got in such a tangle. Have I mentioned recently? Blankets are awesome. Get rid of your convenient modern duvets. Blankets. They are the way forward.
phantym_56: (ed - 6music protest)
Hello Friday evening. Did I blow up earlier? I'm mellow now. I spent a happy 45 minutes chatting to Silver on Facebook. I haven't seen him since August and despite everything, we didn't part too brilliantly. Not with a fight or anything, never that, but more with a sigh of "It's a shame..." (He has a girlfriend, according to Facebook, the anniversary is two days before I spent the entire night in his bed pushing him away, which I find interesting.) We talked about life in a warzone and I suppose I probably shouldn't repeat it all here but he's doing ok and planning to go out for a second tour.

And aww, I've missed him. Whatever weird semi-romantic thing has been going on (and off) between us for the last eight-and-a-bit years, we're good friends. We passed our driving tests the same day - at the time I thought that had scuppered my plans of taking him out for drives but it didn't. He pretty much taught me how to do a three-point turn. If I'm going to find myself in damp jeans walking along a beach at 2 in the morning, chances are Silver's going to be at my side, and probably holding my hand. Forget boyfriends and romantic entanglements, I'm lucky to have a mate like him. Are we the Doctor and Donna? We're something a bit like that, yeah. (Except we're of the "friends kiss sometimes!" kind of friends.)

And I'm looking forward to having my playmate back.
phantym_56: (ed - reunited - exhausted)
I'm so glad it's Friday tomorrow! I've only been back at work three days and I'm completely exhausted. I honestly didn't stop for one minute today, nor yesterday. And this morning I was convinced I was coming down with the flu again (as of 9.07pm, I'm fairly sure I'm not) but I was so tired and I had really achy legs for no reason whatsoever, which moved into my right shoulder and upper arm this afternoon and I had so much work piled on me. People would come over and ask if I was busy and I'd say "Kind of.... ok, fine, I'll do it (whatever it is)" because I'm too quiet to say "Go away and leave me alone! I don't have the time to do your stuff!" Yesterday I was stressed about it (drew a Stressed Octopus in my diary, it's bright blue and vaguely embarrassing so now I have to leave it shut so it isn't on display to the office. You can't tell it's Stressed, it just looks like a crazy-eyed blue octopus) but today I was relatively calm and just tired. Far too tired to have any idea whether Dearly Beloved Boss is teasing when he says I look bored and could I help him with some things? I was waiting for the scanner at the time and it freezes my computer a bit and it's slow so I have to sit and stare at the slow-moving bar for a few minutes and he witnessed this and me noting something Accountsy in my diary, so it's entirely possible it did look like I wasn't doing much. But I sighed my eyes, all resigned, and took down my notepad and tried to produce a bright smile and said "What do you want me to do?" and he looked shocked and asked if I was kidding, have I actually not got much to do?

Shouldn't be on the computer now. I'm trying to limit internet after 9pm - means I haven't really seen my computer this week - and instead am devouring books. I read 28 books in 2010. As of 9.13pm on January 6th, I have read Harry Potter 1, 2, 3 and 4 and six chapters of Harry Potter 5 which I only picked up at lunchtime today. I should be reading it now but I sort of fancied a little bit of internet for a change. Bad insomnia at the beginning of the week but was ok last night - perhaps the lack of bright computer before bed beginning to kick in. But I'm fairly sure I had two odd dreams this morning after my alarm had gone off. I woke up just enough to shut the thing up before going back to the dream, two or three times. Really didn't want to wake up this morning. I didn't get out of bed until 8.25. My work starts at 9am. I cut it a little fine.

Mood-wise, today has been better. Today I'm winning. And I finally sent Silver's box off to him. Did you know BFPO (at least to active war zones) is limited to 2kg per parcel? Silver has a packet of sherbet lemons waiting for him at home. And some baby wipes although I'm sure he can live without those. And did you know sending them is free? I didn't know this. I may have given the nice lady at the post office a bewildered look as I was waved away without paying anything.

I want to do a daft holiday again. Last year's were great - I went snowboarding in the Alps, I went to Zurich and I went to the Lake District but I didn't do a "in three weeks I'm going.... here!!", the "here" in question being somewhere people don't often want to go. I want to throw a dart at a map of Europe. But if I'm keeping the spirit of spontaneity, I've either got to wait until nearer the time or plan it for the end of January. January is cold. I want to go around around the end of March but it looks like something has come up. The middle of April might be good except that it's school holidays. Maybe the first full week of April then, around the 6th to 11th-ish.

Sorry to ramble. I'm sitting on a radiator, with a dose of chocolate inside me, a diary at my left hand and a laptop in front of me. It's a good evening.
phantym_56: (bryan - kursk)
Easy. Silver and Magpie. Magpie because he was my guardian angel and he's disappeared off the face of the Earth. No answer to texts or emails and although I've still got him on Facebook he doesn't seem to use it anymore. Silver because... well, I'm hugely attached to him and girlfriend or no, we nearly had something and it feels like massive unfinished business.

That's not great detail. On the whole, over this tedious meme, I've not been brilliant at "in great detail". And besides, I've talked at length about both of these boys so there's not a lot to be said here. And I'm really tired. Probably went to bed later than I should have been last night, was certainly woken too early this morning. And the night before, although I slept I also went to bed too late and got up too early and woke up briefly in the night as well. That'll be why I'm tired. I don't like being tired. It makes me feel miserable and occasionally also manages to make me feel lonely. On nights like this when I'm especially tired, I start wishing I had a lovely boyfriend who'll wrap his arms around me and murmur soothing things until I fall asleep on him. But when it gets to the part where he gets me settled into bed, he disappears from the mental picture because if there's one thing I know it's that I can't sleep with someone else so close. I'm incredibly fidgety and someone else's presence makes me very conscious of my fidgeting and then I feel like I can't fling arms and legs out and it sounds like I'm breathing too loudly and... just no. And while I have no objection to cuddling sleepily in bed, if I need to actually sleep then Imaginary Boyfriend has to go.

However (cheer up child!), I'm not lonely tonight. I'm only ever lonely if I get a message saying I can't see/go out with my friends after all. And I haven't had one of them in a while. I am one of nature's loners and while I know it seems odd to people who aren't like me, I find my life runs much more smoothly and much less stressfully on my own. (Been reading AVEN forum thread on this subject tonight; am feeling vindicated in there being nothing wrong with me preferring not to be around other people)

Should stop rambling and go to bed. Rambling is frequently a symptom of being tired.
phantym_56: (ed - red & black)
This is another difficult one. How do you pick a favourite memory? I can't do the first one that springs to mind because I'm sworn to secrecy on the whole subject. There is another I could go for but I think it would fit better with the "Another moment" that'll be coming up in the next few days.

Um... the night I spent trying to sleep in Silver's arms back in the summer was nice. Except that I was in the grip of really bad insomnia at the time, and I don't sleep well when there's someone else that close, and I couldn't stop fidgeting, and the moment I sort of started drifting off, he woke up and started whispering again. Maybe the bit where we were lying in a bundle of damp limbs and cold feet in front of the TV downstairs.... except that wasn't very comfortable either. But after years of being in love with him, to finally have the chance to be all cosy-domestic with him was lovely.
phantym_56: (lom - dreams)
Can't answer. Literal dreams, I rarely have them. Or if I do, I can't remember them. They do happen from time to time and they tend to happen several nights in a row which is exhausting but then nothing for months. If you're that interested, I believe I occasionally note them down here under my dreams tag.

Dreams as in things you'd like to happen to you in the future. My future plans are somewhat hazy. A house of my own, with as many bedrooms as possible, lots of books and a world map and eccentric furniture and maybe a cageful of degus. That's within the realms of possibility; only limited by availability of funds. A very patient and understanding husband has a certain appeal but so does being completely independent, not having to look after and be looked after by another person; not have to be accountable to each other, you know, all that. I suppose I might say that I wouldn't mind having a person in my life but I don't want to have to share my life with him. That one's not so likely. The chances of me coming across someone like that is tiny. That doesn't really bother me. It's not a "dream" per se. Other than that, I'd just like to go to New Zealand. Another funding one. I like to keep my so-called dreams within the possible.

Anyway, so. Today I have done some shopping. Mostly for myself but I've got some stuff for my mate Silver. For me I've got a couple of warm fleecy jumpers, a stripy thermal top, a book, some rings and a velvet skirt which isn't as mini as it looks on the hanger. No idea what I'll wear it with. For Silvery, I've got a book, some assorted sweets - if he doesn't want to eat them himself, he knows how much it makes people love him to feed them sweets - cotton wool and baby wipes and eyedrops and socks - the internet says soldiers love this kind of thing and I'd rather send something useful that he'll appreciate than something daft that just takes up space. I've also got a spare Dara DVD that I'll put in - I bought it last year and asked for the other one for Christmas. Mum managed to buy the same one again and I've spent nearly a year wondering what to do with the spare one. And the important bit, the letter. Apparently he won't get it by Christmas but never mind. A message is a message.

And finally, actual Christmas presents. I bought a present for Jess's not-quite-one-year-old son. I promised her two-year-old daughter some curved pieces of wooden railway track but our local toyshops don't have any. I know what I'm getting for Annie but no idea about Jess. Her kids are far easier than she is. And my sister. No idea.


phantym_56: (Default)

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