(no subject)

[phantym_56]

I was going to write a rant about having babies. It's been on my mind recently, not because anyone's been hassling me about it, just because. (The reason for this is more obvious to some of you than others.) I was going to rant but it can be quite elegantly summed up in a few words:

How old do you have to be before you can say "I don't want children" without someone else saying "You'll change your mind one day"?

I'm twenty-five. I know I like neither babies, toddlers, kids nor teenagers and I know I don't want one of my own.

What does wind me up, and it's going to come up again tomorrow, I can already feel it, is the food issue. I'm beginning to feel more capable of explaining this - a little. So I'm going to go for it, because I know I've alluded to it a few times here.

I have an eating disorder. I don't like the expression and I don't think it fits; unfortunately there's no easy way of explaining it. Let me try explaining it this way. I have recently discovered that I am asexual. I have never had sex but I know I don't want to. There are a great many foods I have never tried and equally, I know I don't want to. I know without tasting them that I do not like them. There are also plenty of foods I have tried. I love the idea of carrots - these crunchy juicy tasty things, like apples but more carrotty but no... carrots just taste dry. Nonetheless, I occasionally am seized with the conviction that they really are as delicious as I hope and then I'm disappointed again. I want to like pizza and pasties - God, they smell good. It hurts to walk past Gregg's and the like, to smell these things and know that I can't eat them. There's no physical reason why not - to the best of my knowledge, and I admit it's untested, I'm not allergic to them. But I don't like them. I did not choose to be like this. Why would anyone choose to be like this?!

There are a handful of foods I enjoy. There are a handful of foods I will tolerate. (There are also foods that I would like to remove from existence. If I was God, I would make it so tuna had never existed. *shudders*) Sometimes people will try to make me list them all and then when they discover one I haven't mentioned they go "Aha! You didn't mention pineapple!" as if it's a game and I enjoy the ritual of "what do you eat?". It's not a game and I want this embarrassing conversation over as quickly as possible. So I'm not going to try and spin it out by being misleading. I'm not going to try and trick you into thinking I don't eat things that I actually do - that's counter-productive. But to try and remember and name the twenty-odd things I eat is hard, especially when I'm a) put on the spot b) feeling like I'm being picked on - I will forget things. I also know that me and my eating is not accountable to anyone and I'm not required to list these twenty things to anyone who orders me to. Here I will.

1) Bread
2) Butter
3) Marmite
4) Cheese
5) Pasta (careful how much. Don't know if it's the pasta or the cheese that tends to upset my system)
6) Chocolate
7) Crisps - ready salted/cheese & onion/salt & vinegar only
8) Plain biscuits
9) Poppadoms
10) Pineapple
11) Crackers (but never with cheese on them)
12) Yoghurts for six-year-olds
13) Apples
14) Bananas (occasionally, and rarely a whole one. Not keen on the texture)
(struggling now...)
15) Grapes (occasionally and very few: don't like the cold juicy feeling when I bite them)
16) Garlic bread
17) Ice cream
18) Milk (but careful how much, slightly lactose intolerant unfortunately. Go figure. Half the stuff I do eat contains milk. If it gets worse I'll starve to death!) Hot chocolate also comes under the "milk" category.
19) Boiled sweets
20) Cornflakes and the like (not with milk on. I like my cereal crunchy, not soggy)
21) Apple & orange juice
22) Apple & blackcurrant/orange squash
23) Cheesy biscuits (not sure whether they don't like me as much as I like them or just that I tend to eat too many. Another food to be careful of)

I hadn't realised how many of my foods had cautions with them... wow. Yes, maybe I've forgotten something. Maybe I'll wake up at 4am and go "I forgot [something]! How could I forget [something]?! I eat it all the time!!" but at the moment I can't think of anything. Special emphasis on the first five items, they are my staple diet. Bread, butter, marmite, cheese, pasta. I firmly believe that I live off Marmite. (Non-UKers, don't google it. It will tell you something like "It's a strong spicy spread made from beef which you either love or hate." I am a Marmite connoisseur. There is no beef. No meat. It's a by-product of brewing and is pure yeast extract. Yes, it's spicy and salty and strong flavoured. Yes, there are a great many people who are in the non-existant grey area between love and hate. Many many people "don't mind it" or "aren't keen on it". I know what other people think of Marmite. When they hear that's all I eat, they make sure I know their opinion of the stuff). When I was living abroad all I ate pretty much was plain baguette, no butter or Marmite and after a few months I got the flu. I know this year I seem to have been ill on and off for months but before that it was absolutely unknown and quite clearly caused by lack of Marmite, which contains life-giving vitamins and minerals and stuff. No, I don't take supplements and I have no intention to. No, this restricted diet doesn't cause me any health problems. I am disgustingly healthy. (Until recently, but I'm writing 2010 off. It doesn't count.) No, I don't get bored with it. If you call me a "fussy eater" I will hit you. I can just about tolerate "picky".

See the mixture of utterly bland, like cornflakes and poppadoms and plain biscuits and bread, and the strong flavours like Marmite, garlic and salt & vinegar. No, there's no pattern to it, is there? No fucking explanation for why I'm like this. Which means instead of a one line answer when the subject comes up, we end up with a discussion that covers all the points detailed above. However, the conversation involves much more accusation from the other party and much more humiliation, stuttering and frustrated from me. I'm learning to reply with the words "Don't ask" rather than attempt to get them to understand. I have long ago lost my sense of humour about the subject. "What if you go to a restaurant?" I don't go to restaurants. Obviously. And if I were to be invited by a gentleman, well, frankly, 1) the food issue is the least of the problems of having me as a girlfriend 2) Whether or not I actually bother trying to explain matters, I'd steer it away from restaurants and onto something less problematic 3) Sorry, but my eating habits are a dealbreaker in a relationship. If you can't accept them, that's it. That was the good thing about Tank - as a vegetarian, he understands food problems and took no interest whatsoever in my ones. And Silver - he's used to it as well. I find I'm actually easier to feed. How many of you have traipsed around a city looking for somewhere to eat and going "No, I don't fancy that" or some variant thereupon? Whereas I will walk into a supermarket, buy a piece of bread and maybe a piece of cheese and that's me satisfied. Very little interruption to my day, and I can go several days without any food if necessary. I'm aware that's not terribly healthy but occasionally it's unavoidable.

I don't generally eat meals. I can't do three meals a day. I can just about manage two but I'm more of a grazer. I'd rather eat little and often than sit down to eat lots three times. The Sundays when we go to the grandparents' can be problematic because I tend to get up later than usual on a Sunday and of course, then I'm hungry so I'm liable to eat breakfast on Sundays. Then someone will have been shopping and I'll have cheese rolls while everyone else has bacon rolls. And then we go to the grandparents' and I'm supposed to eat more rolls. If I remember, I do try to skip lunch on those Sundays. Of course, if they come to our house it's no problem. I simply don't eat in the evening. I'm not anorexic, I'm certainly not bulimic and I know it's frustrating that it's so difficult to understand and label.

If you hassle me about the subject, I will certainly get angry and resentful. If you stand up for me and my eating habits in front of other people I will love you. If you do the second one and then do the first one I will hit you. (Magpie warded off questions for me when I was 18; it was the first time anyone had ever done that and it was wonderful. He then got drunk when I was twenty-one and sided with someone who was hassling me. He's served in Iraq and he's 6'2". I hit him.) However, the internet is a wonderful place where people will say things like "You don't have to answer to anyone" and "It's no one else's business" and I don't have to worry about problems here.

I do have to worry about my Dearly Beloved Boss tomorrow. Judging by what he put me through last year - it's somewhere under my food tag, December 16th 2009 I think, if you want to know what happened there - I may well be in for a second dose of it, especially as we've acquired a couple of new people who don't know the full story yet. That's the reason for writing all this, to help get my thoughts in order. I do apologise if you've actually read this through. I am willing to answer questions but try not to make them dumb ones. Don't ask why, don't ask if I've seen a doctor/nutritionist/etc, don't ask why I'm not dead yet. The answers to these are "I have no idea", "No and have no intention to" and "I have no idea but it's probably the Marmite." And I do not like Freaky Eaters, the BBC3 show in which people like me volunteer to be filmed eating weird restricted diets and to be filmed trying to expand their restricted diets and then get upset when the TV people try to make them eat things they don't want to eat. If you don't want to eat them, don't go on the show.

Oh, and by the way - I will never ever do anything like say "You shouldn't eat that, it's disgusting". Unless it's tuna in which case it's perfectly correct to say it because tuna is the fish of Satan. I will call meat "dead stuff" but that's 1) generally only in front of immediate family 2) a corruption of an Alan Davies routine rather than a reflection of my view on meat. I will not touch meat. I don't mind touching other food, except tomato gloop. Tomatoes, no problem. I can dice and slice and cut tomatoes. I cannot wash up a plate with ketchup on it. See any logic here? Nope, me neither. I'm quite a good cook, all things considered. If someone else will put it in the pan, or if I'm allowed to spend a while using utensils in an awkward way, I can do an excellent full English breakfast, complete with bacon and sausages. I enjoy cooking bacon and sausages and I particularly enjoy frying onions for some reason although obviously they don't go into breakfasts usually. No,  I don't find the smell of bacon appealing. I understand even vegans love the smell of bacon. It does nothing for me. I'm not a bad barbecuer either.

Last thing, I promise. What do I eat for Christmas dinner? Obviously it's not turkey. And I don't eat mince pies. Did you see mince pies on the list? Usually toast. I have been known to use cookie cutters to make Christmas tree-shaped toast. I tried fondue one year but my fondue set was designed for chocolate and the cheese just wouldn't stay melted so it was more frustration than it was worth. I may have had pasta last year but that's troublesome when there's so much cooking to be done; no pans and no free rings on the hob either. Generally toast.

 I need to stop rambling on vaguely food-related stuff and go to bed. Early morning tomorrow.

Comments

[rionaleonhart]

Reading this made me think of a friend of mine who has food phobia/Selective Eating Disorder. She has a blog on it over here; here's the introductory post. I don't know whether it would interest you, but I thought it was worth linking to, just in case you were curious.

[phantym-56.livejournal.com]

I anm very curious! There are words that may actually fit me! Unfortunately, I haven't got time to read much right now but I definitely will when I get home. Thanks for the links!

[vandulocity.livejournal.com]

I have very similar food issues - Mine actually stem from a sensory disorder (hypersensitivity) that is a part of being Autistic (seriously, like all the rest of it wasn't hard enough).

There are foods that I eat, and there are foods that I don't eat. Often it is not because I dislike the taste, but because my body rejects the texture, or the combination (and by 'rejects' I mean it will make me throw up :( ) When I was about 4 my parents left me with my Nan for the first time - she didn't believe them about how bad my food issues were and decided that I would eventually get hungry enough to eat whatever she put in front of me. She gave in after I didn't eat for three days, and frankly I haven't got all that much better since.

So, you're not alone. I also know that the american journal of psychology is making "picky eating" a recognised psychological issue and a real eating disorder diagnosis. How soon that will filter into the UK's consciousness we will have to wait and see.

On the kids issue: SO WITH YOU. I'm only 22 but I know that I don't want to have kids (or to get married either) and EVERY WOMAN except my mum and my sister have told me that I'll change my mind when I get older.

Yes, maybe at some point my body will decide that it's ready to have children and will begin to bug me about it, but my CHOICE is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN. I am more than just my biological urges. Surely that's a big part of what makes humans humans: the ability to choose to go against our natural instincts?

I also find it shocking how offended women get by my choice. It's not like I'm saying that no one else in the world should ever have children - my younger sister (she's 21) genuinely feels that she will have wasted her life if she doesn't have children, and that's great, because that's what she WANTS.

Interestingly enough, most people shut up after I offer up the biology vs choice argument ;)

[phantym-56.livejournal.com]

I should have thought to ask the internet about this years ago! It genuinely never occurred to me that I wasn't the only one. Thank you!

[phantym-56.livejournal.com]

Right. I'm home and have time to actually read this comment properly (read while half-asleep and delightedly amazed at 6.30 this morning).

Food - I will read more about everything you've said. Texture does make a difference - I like the flavour of bananas but not the squidginess. I've never got far enough to discover whether my body will "reject" things I don't want to eat; generally I can't bring myself to put them in or near my mouth in the first place. Also, I have to be expecting it. I like soft bread rolls and I like crusty bread rolls but if I bite into one expecting it to be crusty and it turns out to be soft, I can't swallow it and I can't make myself eat the rest of it, even though by that point I *know* it's soft.

I'm a little better than I was - pasta is a new addition in the last five or so years. When I was tiny, even a speck of cream would make me spectacularly sick - now I can eat it, I prefer not to but occasionally it does turn up in things. And today I decided to sample a salad leaf - don't know what exactly it was but it was small and round and I was told it was peppery. It tasted just like eating a leaf. I can't figure out why people eat them - clearly not for its flavour nor for its nutritional value. And yes, combinations. Cheese and pasta in separate bowls. Jelly and ice cream likewise.


Kids - I guess I'm *choosing* not to have them - well, no question about it, I am - but I don't understand what you mean about your body deciding it wants some. Is this something that happens to everyone whether they want it to or not? Is it something I should be expecting? How will/might it manifest itself? *ponders alien concept*

I haven't found anyone offended by it, there's generally a tone of humorous "Oh, how little you know!" to it. I've reigned it in a bit recently but I used to be quite open about "hating" children. Now I'm a Brownie and a Ranger leader - even if I come home in a foul mood because they've been little cows, I think I have to admit that I can tolerate them. And also my best friend has two small kids and they're her world so I do refrain from suggesting anything like that around her.

I get far more offended reactions over the food - people really seem to take it personally that I won't eat anything, even if it's not their cooking that I'm refusing.

[vandulocity.livejournal.com]

Wanting children is a biological urge for women - I mean, that's a good thing, or else we'd have gone extinct long before now. It's a hormonal thing as far as I know, that urge to put your uterus and your childbearing ability to use. That's what I mean by my body deciding, rather than me choosing.

I'm 22, and even I'll admit that put me in a room alone with a tiny baby and there's something about it that makes me, on a physical level, just want one. Then I remember that, actually, I don't. But my body does.

Does that make sense?

I agree - While I get annoyed by people's reactions to the kids issue, I have a far more emotional reaction to the food thing. It's one of the only things in my whole life that no one is alowed to make fun of/good-naturedly tease me for, because I will cry.

I totally get your problem - food is such a basic need that people find it hard to accept it when you have severe food aversions. Personally if I'm with people I don't know well or people who refuse to accept my food issues I just tell them that I'm allergic to a lot of things.

I think that there is a certain amount of "getting used to" foods - like your pasta, and cream. My focus, personally, is on being able to combine food better. I can now eat pasta and cheese together as well as pasta and mince meat (although only mince meat with ketchup - that's one of the weirder things that I eat ;), I can eat bacon and sausages and baked beans together. Today, for the first time ever, I ate chicken and gravy and peas in the same mouthful. My Mum nearly fell over with shock ;) So it's possible, but a lot of the time I think it's not worth the effort.

Trala! Sorry for writing such long comments, there aren't many people I know with similar food 'things' :) It is almost exciting lol ;)

[phantym-56.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, no, I don't get it at all. I guess I just don't have/don't have *yet* urges like that. Which I suppose makes it easier for me. Neither body nor mind is after kids.

I just get angry now when people hassle me about food. A few years ago I'd answer questions reasonably, although I'd be embarrassed. Then I had a mate who would attack me on the subject every time she got drunk - only when drunk, fortunately. If she was doing it sober, I'm not sure I could have put up with her as a mate - and after this had happened quite a few times, usually with nothing in particular to kick it off, I just got so sick of it. Now I tend to snap even at people who are innocently curious. The only person I can't snap at is my boss because he controls my income.

For some reason, it feels like a bigger deal to try and claim to be allergic to things than to just say "Basically, all I eat is bread and cheese".

I used to quite like toast with a very thin layer of marmite on one side and a very very thin layer of honey on the other. Yes, on the same piece of toast. I haven't had that one recently though, because no matter how careful I am, it always feels like the honey is too thick. Don't know if I'm just buying the wrong kind of honey. A friend's mother accidentally added cheese on toast to my diet by pointing out that I like toast and I like cheese so how on earth can I say I don't like cheese on toast? I was only about eight at the time and to shy to argue... and she was right. I love it but unfortunately, our grill at home is permanently covered in meat fat so when you switch it on, first it gives off foul-smelling smoke, sometimes it catches fire and it always drips meat fat on the cheese. Not something I can ever eat at home then.

I can eat pasta and cheese together in that I put a couple of pieces of pasta in my mouth and then a pinch of cheese but I can't put the cheese in the pasta bowl, it goes all melty and stringy and that's nasty. Stringy stuff is really problematic. Eating pasta is a messy process and one I prefer not to have witnesses to. I agree completely about combining things not being worth the effort. That it gets eaten at all is a big enough deal.